Head hanging in shame

Okay, so, I haven't been a good blogger as of late.  I have promised myself that I would start up again and be a bit more committed to my writing.  Sadly, life has gotten in the way.  And, by life, I mean ALL of it. Seems like every aspect of life has demanded way more attention than it should have and I, therefore, have let things suffer for it.  I am ashamed at myself for not being more faithful to something I love, which is writing.  I feel as though I have let myself down because I did this as a way to vent a bit when venting needs to be done, post pics of my photography course and share them, do a bit of short story, fictional stuff show  some of my crafting things and just generally, share about me and my life.  I like writing things out when I am thoughtful or sad or creative or angry...or happy.  I like to write it out and see what happens.  Look back on it at a later time, see how I have grown or things have changed.  I suppose since my last post, I have changed a lot.  I have grown in a lot of ways, God has changed me, God has challenged me and I have challenged myself.  I have made a lot of new decisions that have been very hard for me, but were very necessary for me to move on and for me to not go completely insane.  So, here we go...

These are my babies, my life, my everything.  Not sure where I would be without them.  They make me smile and cry and laugh and moan and challenge me in ways I never knew someone could.  On the left, there, is my Charley.  She is almost 5 and our biggest challenge.  She is very strong-willed, but she has got the most amazing heart.  She is generous WAY beyond a child of 4 should be.  She shares unlike ANY kid I have ever seen...and willingly so.  She almost gets her feelings hurt if you don't bite her cookie or take a potato chip or whatever from her.  My hubby and I always tell her to stay generous...never let the world take away your generosity, but don't let people use you.  She is an amazing little artist and has an extremely creative mind.  I promise to post some of her stuff on here as it comes in.  

The handsome on in the middle is my boy, my miracle, my best friend....Tony.  He is 14 and just amazing.  I am so proud of him.  He and I have been through a lot and we have always supported each other and been stronger for it.  He's the only one who understands how blue I get because of missing home.  Because he's an American, like me.  He is a kid that is amazingly polite, loves God, loves to laugh and have fun, loves sports, and yes, he loves his Mama.  He and I can talk about everything and I love this.  I love him.

The lovely girl on the right is my Gracie.  She is 6 years old and just makes me smile.  She has an amazing imagination and loves to play make believe and do all things creative.  She loves watching movies with me and loves to dance.  She wants to do ANYTHING as long as it isn't school work.  She has to be forced to do work.  And, yes, her marks suffer a bit for it, but we are working on that.  She has a big heart and things move her deeply.  She asks a lot of questions about why things are the way they are and listens intently and can actually carry on a decent conversation about it at a later time.  She's my heart.  

They are on holiday now, so I am sure there will be photo ops out the wazoo to post.  So, I have posted and now I am going to chill for a while.  I have a lot to catch up on.  

Smile on

Cyndi

GRRRRRRRRR.......NOT happy

Okay....I missed the ranting last night, but I am here today, baby!  I am still thinking about all this stuff I want to rant about, and once I write it here, I'm gonna try my best to let it go.   Big breath, 1, 2, 3.......GO!  I go to a small church, as I have said before.  I love my church, and 95% of the people that go there......BUT, there's always that one.....you know, the one that is like wet sand in your undies?????  The one that scratches you no matter which way you are sitting, standing, walking, resting.....are you with me?  Good.  Moving on....I have had many an issue with this one particular person SO many times.  I have sat back and (sorry, Mama) "eaten shit politely" from her for 6 years now.  I have left church crying in frustration many times because of how she treats me, my kids and other friends at church.  I have gone over situations in my head over and over again and asked myself "How can I handle this better?"  "How can I change ME so that maybe I won't be at the brunt of her stabbing comments and meanness?"  "How can I love her when all I really want to do is push her off a pier somewhere?"  (Which if you know me at all, you know I would never do something like that!)  Okay, I am rambling here.....there's a family at church.....a very lovely family, in fact.  They are pretty new to our church so I don't know HEAPS about them, but enough to know that I really would like to know more.  They have 4 lovely kids.  Their ages are from 4 down....so they have their hands full.....and I mean not an ounce of negativity by that comment, but they do in deed have their hands full as one of their kids has autism.  I haven't been around autism much so I ask a lot of questions of the mom because I WANT to know more, understand more and be able to speak on the subject a little.  Her boy is an absolute precious kid.  He has these amazing eyes, and THE most gorgeous lips....EVER!  He is very matter of fact and well, just darling.  But he has melt downs and he gets frustrated and is sometimes not understood by others....but he is a CHILD!!!  Who here who has children that have had a melt down?  That has screamed in frustration?  That has been misunderstood?  Can I get an AMEN here?  My kids do this, your kids do this or will do this....melt downs are a big part of this kid and his families daily life.  We as parents with (and I use this term lightly) "normal" kids deal with the tantrums and move on.....we may be pulling our hair out for a few minutes and then it's all over.  But B and P deal with HOURS of this, sometimes all night.  They are tired, like I probably have never known, they are frustrated like I have never known, and they are just plain worn out.  But they handle their lives with laughter and patience and grace.....and here's me bowing down ( I'm not worrrrrrrrhty, I'm not worrrrthy),  So, why all this background on this family of 6????  Because this (and I use this term lightly) "person" at church is very rude to them and to this wonderful child of hers.  See, how it works in our church is the kids from ages 0-4 are in the nursery, creche, crying room, whatever you want to call it.  When they turn 5, they can go into kids church, which is for ages 5-12....then onto youth, then young adults....blah, blah, blah  Anyway, this young fella, being autistic, needs a bit of structure to help stave off the melt downs and anger fits.  Sounds easy, right?  NOPE!  Not at THIS church!  Because this kid is only 4 (and 3 months from turning 5), he is not allowed into the kids church room.  Why, you ask?  Because this homo sapien has decided that he SHOULDN'T be allowed in there because he isn't 5.  I realize that there are rules here, and I have no problem WHATSOEVER following them, but shouldn't we allow a kid with some special needs to be given a little more grace than this?  There is a structure in the kids church and they have activities planned and things to help this boy.  Funny thing is, the leader of kids church don't mind, the pastor doesn't mind, the people running kids church don't mind....it's just this one.  This one who we have all dubbed "the creche NAZI".  She has this HUGE problem with ANYONE doing ANYTHING that SHE thinks we shouldn't be doing.  But my thinking is.....shouldn't we be HELPING here?  Shouldn't we be bending the rules for a special needs child?  Shouldn't we be trying to help these parents who have to deal with these melt downs by allowing this kid to have structure even though it's against the rules?  Not only should we be trying to help this boy, but by helping him we are helping the mom and dad?????  Isn't that what being a charitable Christian is all about?  Helping others?  Overlooking their faults? Loving? Accepting? Being gracious? Forgiving?  I don't claim to be a perfect Christian, never have, never will.....so please forgive me if I am sounding self-righteous here.  Anyhow, this family feels very unwelcome at this church because of this horrid woman and her Naziism and her "No, you can't go in the other room until you are 5" garbage.  The Nazi's son is also 4 and want s to go into kids church, too, but alas he can't because he isn't 5.  And I guess, because HER son can't then NO ONE can.  Is she worried that her kid is being slighted by allowing this other kid into a structured situation?  Or maybe it's HER feeling slighted so then she makes sure that NO allowances are made for anyone because no allowances are made for her.  Okay my BS meter is going off the charts right now!!!  Can I get a drum roll here.....who is this kid hurting by going in a bit early?  I know the whole "Well, if we let ONE kid go in early, then we have to let ALL kids go in early" thing, but can we not just say hey, NAZI, chill out.......can we not make an exception to help a kid AND his parents?  Can we not be a person of grace?  Can we not be a person of love and understanding?  I am torn here, between stepping in and saying something or just keeping my mouth shut and not getting involved.  When is it okay to get involved and say something and when is it best to just shut up?  I have actually asked the other moms if they have a problem with this kid going into the kids church a bit early and they (myself included) don't have even the slightest issue with it.  I have an almost 4 yr old, this other mom has a 4 yr old, and the other has a 3 yr old.....none of us feel like our kid is being slighted or mistreated because our kids aren't allowed in this room.  We understand that Owen has special needs.....we love him, and we love his parents, and quite frankly, anything that can lighten their load a bit I am all for.  This all sounds so petty, doesn't it?  I think so, but it's only the Nazi from hell that makes it this way.....I think that I am going to have to say something at some point, if someone else doesn't first.  Church should be our safe place.....it should be like our home away from home......we should all be accepted and every case should be evaluated individually and sometimes, bending the rules should be allowed in special cases.  I mean, we aren't talking about changing the Bible or the Ten Commandments.....we are talking about a precious child of God who needs that little something extra.  What kind of a person can deny a little boy that?  How can you sleep at night knowing that you could have helped someone by just un-freaking clenching and removing that ever-so-large stick from your posterior and allowing a kid to be "somewhere he shouldn't".  Where is your charitable heart?  Maybe up her posterior with all the OTHER things lodged in there that make her so hateful, I presume.....
I was full on sobbing at church yesterday listening to my friend tell me how every day is a struggle and she battles in her mind whether or not to go to the trouble of even getting ready for church because she feels unwelcome.  She's telling me her story, I am sobbing and she was consoling ME, not me consoling her.  She deals with (sorry again, Mama) assholes like this every day who look down their snooty noses at her because her kid is having a melt down.  Because you look at Owen and see "well, he 'looks' normal" so she must just be a crappy parent.  She is NOT a crappy parent.....she long and wide and far bypasses my parenting skills and she has one more than I do and her kids are all 4 and under.  So, when you see a Mama or a Daddy with a kid that is screaming their butt off and throwing themselves on the floor, be reeeeealllllly careful before you label the parent as crappy or the kid as naughty.  You don't know what their story is....you don't know if the kid is sick, tired, hurt, or maybe just being a bone head....he or she MAY be autistic and because something in their precious heads isn't firing right, they are melting down.  Remember back to when your kids were little, or if you don't have any yet....you just might be in this parents shoes one day and it might be YOU that people are giving the dirty looks to and shaking their head at.  It isn't pleasant to have to hear a kid screaming all through the grocery store....just imagine if that was a 4 or 5 or more times a day event at your place.  Be gracious......be accepting.....smile at the mama or daddy, don't shake your head at them and judge.  Say something encouraging to them, or if you are a praying person, throw up a prayer and ask Jesus to bless that parent.  Treat others as you want to be treated. 

Aren't I the laziest blogger EVER?

Okay, so.....I have 2 blogs and I frequently write on one, but have forgotten about this one. OOPS! I realize I haven't posted in here in over a year! So, I decided to work more on this one and forget about the other for a while. In my last post, I said I would be posting pics of my creations, wellllll, I have created a TON of things, but just have been lazy and haven't posted any pics. I have heaps. I also have heaps of pictures of just general stuff that need to go on here. So, I am committing myself....I am committing to start blogging on here regularly, posting pics of my creations and of my beautiful children. I promise to share my new journeys with you in weight loss, in photography, in creativeness, etc. I realize I have few followers, but that isn't necessarily why I started doing this. I started because I needed a place to vent.....I needed a place that was just ME, a place where it was about me putting my feelings, opinions, musings, thoughts, ramblings, soap-box standings, etc into writing where I could look back and see how I have grown, changed, and improved (or not). I am gonna put myself out there and expose the hell out of myself because I need changes....BAD! I need a venting place....BAD! I need a place where I might offend, but it isn't necessarily intentional, but have the right to do so because it's MY page. I don't mind comments that may differ from my opinions, in fact, I welcome them. Well, as long as you can be respectable about it....I don't mind differing opinions because, dude, I'm all about free speech. I AM American, after all. And, although my country seems to be trying to take rights away from it's people lately, here in MY world of bloggerhood, y'all are ALL free to talk freely. I will begin this whole "journey back to my space" with a picture of me that will have to get put up tomorrow because I am uber sick today and I am NOT letting ANYONE get within 50 feet of me with a camera. I want to have to look at my gruesome self for a while until I am more motivated to finish my weight loss journey. And also, my hair will be blonde again when I take my next pic (thank you, Jesus and Miss Clairol). I am going to take a nap now because my daughter is in the garden with Daddy and I feel icky.

Gonna get my Martha Stewart on!!!! Well, in SOME ways!

Okay, so, I have sat on my tushie for far too long......I have decided that my creativity and crafting can no longer wait for my kids to get older. I must "do my thing". I have sat here in my chair for a long time and have decided that I am going to create patterns and do tutorials for some of them so I can share them with others. I have so many ideas and I have sewn so many things for my kids and for me. I have made a lot of gifts and have decided it's time to hit eBay and the markets and sell my wares. I need something I can do from home and this is gonna be it!!!! So look out blog world....I'll be posting pics and stuff reeeeal soon....
Cheers,
Cyn

Cheers, FRIENDS

I was/am in one of those moods where I am pondering.......pondering about how God is working on me. Ways in which I am not ready ot be worked on. Funny how He does that, eh? When you aren't wanting to be "worked on", He has other plans completely. He is forcing me to face my past...things I would rather keep buried forever. I chose to bury those things because dealing with it is too painful. So painful, in fact, that the mere thought of bringing ALL that crap to the surface and facing it again actually makes me think suicidal thoughts, hence the reason I prefer to leave it buried.....FOREVER! There is not ONE person on this Earth who knows about THAT year.....and I ain't planning on telling anyone about it. I WANTED that left between God and me forever....
So, how does one tell, beg, ask, plead, implore God to let you leave something alone. I don't feel like it builds walls between me and others, I don't mistreat anyone because of this.....I felt like it actually made me stronger, because if a person can go through THAT kind of hell and NOT be dead, then they (me) are pretty dang strong.
I always thought that when I actually shared this with someone, ANYONE, that I would be telling one of my friends in America....who know everything (well, except this) about me and still love me. Amy, Teresa, Beverly....they know it ALL. Two of them actually "knew me when....." I can't have the kind of phone time where I could actually dump this on them and get it off my chest. THIS is why only God knows...why I can talk to Him when it starts to haunt me again, why I can share the most intimate details with Him and not feel like I am being judged. He holds me close when I get scared and tells me it will be okay and I get over it quickly and just bury it back in the "whew, it came, it saw, it went" box and hope it never rears its ugly head again. So, why now? Why THIS? Why not some of the other areas I need to work on.....I just don't trust anyone with information of this calibre. But SHOULD I? Who would it be? When and HOW would I do it? How will they react when I tell them?
Which brings me to my pondering.....Wouldn't it be SO cool if I had friends here in Australia like the ones on FRIENDS or Cheers? You know...."where everybody knows your naaame, and they're always glad you caaaame" and "I'll be there for youuuuuu, when the rain starts to fallllll"...those kinds of friends. Those guys fought, judged, and had issues, but they accepted each other, loved each other and were loyal at all costs. They admitted fault and still loved each other. They listened, they advised, they led and let lead. It would be so amazingly cool to have a circle like that.....sigh. Ah, whatever....I just hope God picks someone who is planning on moving away from this area if I have to share...LOL I don't want the repercussions of that judgement....because I KNOW I will get judgement in some shape form or fashion....is there really ANYONE out there who wouldn't judge me, I wonder. This issue wasn't even my fault in the least, but I just don't want to bring it up, I just want to let the past be the past and forget about it. Okay, gonna go watch Friends now....LOL

Things that are bad for me

Don't you just HATE it when you LOVE something, I mean REEEEALLY love something, and then someone comes along and tells you that it's bad for you? I hate it, and I hate it BAD. I want to live in a world where things that are bad, are actually good for you! I WANT chocolate to be good for me....so good in fact, that I could eat it every day and never gain weight....dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, purple chocolate...whatever......I NEED to hear that chocolate is good for me. I know that studies are now coming out about the benefits of dark chocolate, and, believe me, I use that to my benefit, but I am tired of people coming along and ruining it as I am enjoying it by saying "You shouldn't be eating that!". I KNOW I shouldn't be eating it....usually I am beating myself up as I am eating it, but leave me and my food choices alone!! DO you realize how LONG it has been since I have enjoyed some good chocolate?????? No, you don't, you don't have any idea....so why wreck my moment?! Why wreck anyone's moment? Did I ask you to hold me accountable for my eating choices? Nope!!!! So, when someone, no matter WHAT their weight is, is enjoying something that YOU think they shouldn't...JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE TO ENJOY THEIR SNACK GUILT-FREE!!!!!
I want bacon to be good for me, rasher bacon, streaky bacon, bacon bits, bacon pieces.......CAKE....chocolate cake, vanilla cake, cup cake, sponge cake, pound cake, coconut cake.....CHIPS.....potato chips, corn chips, hot chips, wedges, bring on the chips.....I LOVE healthy food......I LOVE raw veggies and cooked veggies and sauteed veggies, veggie juice, etc. I also LOVE fruit....in any shape form or fashion....but it's JUST not the same now is it?! I enjoy healthy meals, but sometimes, I just wanna eat total crap.......stuff that isn't good for me. Is that okay with you, Miss or Mister Diet Police? And others want to do that, too.....so leave 'em alone and let em enjoy....and while you're at it, remove whatever has you all "clogged up" and enjoy some of it, too. Step down....soap box ranting finished.....I'm off to the grocery store...

2011.....the year of servanthood

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to stop griping and bitching about not having any friends in Australia and just start serving my church. I joined the worship team a few months back and wanted to do even more. So a couple of weeks ago I decided that I didn't just WANT to serve, I NEEDED to serve......A MILLION ideas popped into my head that I thought were doable. I LOVE my little church!!!! I wanted to do more....be a part of making it go from wonderful to....SPECTACULAR!!! It needs color, it needs creative people who are willing to do things and I am creative AND willing. I think that doing things at my church will be beneficial to me for a lot of reasons....it will get me out of the house, it will help me do the creative things that I love so much and maybe I will just bless someone along the way, which is really what my main goal is. I LOVE to be a blessing to others.....I don't see myself as much of a "blesser" right now, but you never know. I just want to make others smile....I love people that smile easily. I take it as a personal challenge when I find someone that won't smile easily and do everything I can to make them smile. What a feeling it is when you can light up someone's face!!!!!!!! I am making it a point to get to know people this year. Maybe my friend problem is because I am waiting for everyone to come to me, rather than seeking them out and getting to know them.....oh heavens, I am like my baby sister in that way....yikes!!!!! Don't wanna be like her!!!!! She's a nice person, but she never makes an effort with ANYONE, they always have to come to her.....lI find that a bit snooty and I am seeing that I have been like that a little bit. nonononononononono!!!!!! I have a few things I would like to do this year.....I want to start a women's Bible study and do some Beth Moore curriculums. Beth Moore's A Heart Like His was the Bible study that made me commit to the Lord. She is powerful and challenging and blesses you SO abundantly. I want to share that with others!!!!!! I want to do another musical, but I want it to be for adults this time too. I want to help decorate our church and make it bright and cheery!!!!! I want to help start a ladies ensemble group. I want to take more pics and use them to help decorate the church. God has placed all this on my heart and I have to get off my butt and put some of it into action. Of course, I have to run all this by my pastor and his wife.....but it was really funny that this morning he preached on using your gifts and not hiding them. So, I need to set up a time with him to see what his ideas on all this are. I just feel like God is telling me it's my time......my time to start serving with no excuses. I don't want to be a part of the problem, I want to be part of the solution. So, now that God has laid this on my heart, I will be praying for strength to actually do it. I will have to cut my Facebook time to about 2 hrs a day as opposed to 5 or 6...even more on some days.....which will be really hard for me....really, really hard. I have decided to cut down to three apps instead of 6. Choosing which ones I will play will be hard as I love them all.....but it needs to be done. So, I have put in writing where my heart is at, and I am doing this publicly, well, sort of, so people can hold me accountable when I go astray. I will post it on FB in a few days when I decide which apps I am sticking with and I will delete the others. I am going to put myself on a 9 to 5 schedule and get things done in my house and stop making excuses. I will get my kids onto a more doable schedule and stick to it. I am tired of watching life go past me.....I wanna go out and be a part of it!!!!!! So no more sitting around for me.....I'm DOING this year, not just BEING. Big step.....biiiiiiig step. Time for the big girl undies!!!!! Bring it on!

I'm finally free!!!! Satan, go back to hell....

I have been set free......and when I say set free, I mean SET FREE!!!!!! I have had the worst few months....I think it's safe to say that satan KNEW I was on the verge of breaking free and really harassed the heck out of me so I couldn't allow the breakthrough to happen. Let me tell you about my last couple of weeks.....
It started when we had a speaker at our church a month or so back....his name is escaping me right now, Frank something....ah, whatever....anyway, he was good, REALLY good. He was really passionate and I hung on his every word. Towards the end of the service, he prayed for those that wanted the gift of tongues and to be washed in the Holy Spirit. I knew I needed SOMETHING, so I decided to go out front and have him pray for me. I felt a lot better after leaving there, but there was still something that either I wasn't GETTING or the breakthrough hadn't quite hit the mark. I was really starting to question God.....a LOT. What did He want from me, FOR me? I wanted joy, I wanted happiness, I wanted this blasted low self esteem GONE. I wanted worth, because I wasn't getting it from ANYONE around here, including my family, especially my family. Hubs and kids were making me nuts by their actions and words....I couldn't take much more. Crazy thoughts were in my head....very crazy ones.....walking away from my family, starving myself to death, just self destructive things. This Frank fella snapped those thoughts out of my head, praise the Lord, but I was still very down. I decided at this point that I was tired.....tired of being sick and tired. I begun teaching myself Photoshop so I could improve my photos, I sewed my little heart out and made things for the girls and I, and something I've been wanting to do for a LONG time...I decided to join the worship team at church. Making these small choices made me feel heaps better, especially the worship team one. I've been wanting to serve at church, but in actuality was freaked out by the idea of being on the worship team because I felt small and inadequate next to these awesome ladies and gentlemen of God. I felt I had no right to be standing next to them even if I did have a decent voice to contribute to the group. satan the snake had his bugs in my ear....."you don't deserve it, your voice sucks, you're too fat, you'll look like a fool next to those people of strong faith" etc, etc......if you're Christian, you know satan's drill. I was at one of my lowest points when I went to the first team group meeting. It was a team builders night where they don't sing but do activities and build communication skills and just fellowship with each other. I was in MISERY!!!! I felt I had no right to be there.....wanted SO much to go home and just cry. But they had a bit of a message that really spoke to me....it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was about people that build up as opposed to people that destroy.....was awesome. I'm not sure if anyone could understand the impact it had on me that night.....I wasn't the one destroying....I was being DESTROYED!!!! I spoke with a precious new friend of mine at the end of the night.....she asked me if I was okay and we talked.....I vaguely spoke to her about some of my issues and she asked if I could share a bit more. I didn't feel comfortable dumping on her at this meeting but I told her I would share at some point. But I did tell her I was being totally destroyed right now and she said she would pray for me. I held onto that and hoped she would. I felt better after leaving there. I held on, barely, just begging God to sustain me until satan stopped his warfare on me. I would spend most of my days just begging Him to make my family stop saying mean things and for Heaven's sake, send me a friend I can talk to!!!! I honestly believe in my heart and soul that the reason I have been so blue is because my girlfriend circle is basically non-existant here. I miss my friends, I ache for my friends that I had in America. The potential ones here just don't seem to have time for the friendships I crave so much.....and I certainly don't fault them for that, they have lives and jobs and families. ANyway, I knew Diane was going to be here and in all honesty, I actually dreaded, as well as looked forward to, her coming. I dreaded it because I know how prophetic she is and how she can see ALL the ugly that was me. It is embarrassing to have so much inside you that you really don't know how to get rid of. I began to stop begging God for it and started claiming that I wanted to be set free.....I didn't want to just be happy, I wanted JOY.....the kind of joy that radiates from your very core. I didn't want mediocrity, I wanted SPECTACULAR. I wanted more. I am on Facebook ALL the time and would see all these requests for prayer....so I took it upon myself to pray for these people. I thought to myself "Hey, I might be a total mess, but I can pray others don't end up like me". So I prayed, I took back my positive attitude towards life, even when I was around Ol' Norman Negative....I just refused to let his moods ruin my day. I felt better when I was praying for others, knowing God would work His ways in their lives and situations....I prayed, I worshipped, I read my Bible on my Blackberry, I read my Joyce Meyer books, my Christian novels, I wrote in my positive thoughts journal.....I felt hugely better, but I still had that inner battle going on.....satan and his nasty rotten loathesome self whispering in my ears.....
Enter Diane Pearce.....I didn't even WANT to go to churhc that Sunday......I didn't want to see her set free OTHERS, I wanted her to set ME free. I was minutes away from not going, but every time I have had that attitude, I force myself to go and I usually benefit immensely from it. I knew how amazing of a speaker she was, so I knew I would benefit , but I needed a miracle and satan was telling me I had not a hope in hell to get one. I shook that fork tongued, nasty thing off and went.
I happened to be standing at the door when she walked in and she gave me a hug and kissed my cheek and we chatted for a few minutes. Somehow, I had a feeling.......maybe today was my day.....just maybe. I even was blessed enough to have two of my most fave youths girls watching my girls so I could be in the service. Our church bookstore happened to be there selling books too and I had had my eye on the Joyce Meyer book POWER THOUGHTS and had almost bought it earlier that week. Well, our so generous pastor asked who would like a copy and I shot my hand in the air and he gave it to me....woo hoo....put me on a cloud already!!! She spoke and blew me away as she always does. At the end she asked if anyone needed healing.....my mind said "NO, you need a miracle!!!!!" I walked to the front....I waited and spent some time with God......I asked to be free, I asked for worth, I asked for acceptance, I asked for friends to talk to, I asked for joy. I felt heaps better after church....so much so that I actually stayed and chatted for a bit after church, which I had been avoiding for months....unless someone caught me and I HAD to talk to them. Now, if you know me, even a LITTLE bit, you know that is SO NOT like me!!!! I can talk to ANYONE....I love to talk to people, learning about their lives, sharing mine with them.....it's hard to shut me up at times.....so to avoid socialization is big for me. I also thought that maybe I needed to just work on being the silent type as my chattery-ness and sarcastic wit may put these Aussie people off. So I tried to listen and be quiet.....dang near killed me, but I was doing it.
Wednesday night rolls around....I wanted to hear Diane again......
When time came around where she was starting to pick folks out of the congregation, she nailed me square on the head.....She said I feel like there are some people that have escaped being killed by the bear, only to run into a tiger. Then they escape the tiger, go home, put their hand out and get bitten by a snake....I whispered to my husband, gee, I believe she just summed up my life in 2 sentences. She said she felt like there were 3.....She caught the eye of the first one....she asked her to come forward and she prayed for her. She looked around for the second person, Kev nudged me and said raise your hand, I did, but she missed me. She prayed for the next person. She looked for the third person and I raised my hand the same time as another....she said Oh, I thought there were 3.....well, come forward. And you know what satan did? He said hahahahahaha she thinks you are full of it. I said to him...I am NOT full of it you slimy lump of crap.....she just described me and you KNOW it.....maybe someone ELSE was full of it......maybe she just had her number wrong....stupid stupid satan. She prayed for me and then she evidently knew how strong old slimys hold was on me.....she pulled out the big guns and asked the whole congregation to lift their hands to me and pray too. Slimeball satan knew his hold on me was on the last thread and he was hanging on for dear life....she said I just see/feel something on your back, I'm just going to remove it. I LITERALLY felt like my feet left the ground at this point.....my back and shoulder tingled as this "thing" was removed off of me.......I fell to my knees rather than fall over and this powerful feeling of joy enveloped me. I started to smile and just pray quietly to myself....it was freaking amazing!!!!! I left there Wed night on a cloud! Decided to go Saturday at this point, I wanted more and I wasn't going to quit until I got it. I rode the bike with the kids in tow and my son watched the girls while I stayed in and listened to Diane. She spoke an amazing message AGAIN and I hung on every word!!!! I can't remember how she picked me out of the crowd THIS time, but she singled me and another lady out.....she prayed for her and then prayed for me. She asked me if I had ever thought about healing people, and I said yes a few months back I wished I could heal peoples hurts....she said that she saw me healing people and to, get this.....not change my personality because it was my personality that could bring people to God....even more people than her! WHAT?! More people than HER? This lady travels the world sharing the Gospel....how would I EVER heal more people than her?! She also said and I feel the need to lift all this guilt and shame from you that you carry....my eyes flew opened and I just smiled....I was being set free at this very moment. She asked God to take it away like the wind or something and she blew on me and I felt like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.....I bent over backward ( I'm absolutely sure it felt like I was bent way back, but I know I wasn't as my body doesn't bend like that anymore...HAHAHA)...but it felt like I bent like a pretzel. I had to sit before I fell over and was glad I did because waves of joy flooded ALL over me.....Again, I started to smile and couldn't stop. We had a break and ALL I could think was NOOOOO, I don't want a break, I want more more more!!!!!! After break, I grinned and smiled and cried through the rest of her message.....I was SO flooded with happiness and felt free, honestly, for the first time in my LIFE!!!!! I told Kevin about it afterwards and he said Yaaaaaaay. That was the extent of his excitement, but I didn't care.....I was changed....changed forever.
Sunday night.....I couldn't WAIT for Sunday night.....her last night. I wanted everything I could suck up. Her message: AMAZING, AWESOME, OUTSTANDING, POWERFUL, etc etc...ALL good things. At the end, Kev wanted to go up for prayer.....I went up with him....while we were waiting, I just prayed for the small things that have held me back in the past....I prayed for courage, I prayed for direction for the future, and I prayed for an ARMY of angels to surround me and keep me protected until satan gave up....she prayed for Kev and then came to me....she held my hands and said "Anoint these healing hands....bless these healing hands" I, again, felt like my feet had left the floor....awesome stuff. Later, Kev told me that he was going to be prosperous.....that it would just hit him one day and he would become prosperous. All my dreams came true in the course of a week......you can't get the smile off of my face or the bounce out of my step.....God is awesome....'nuf said!!!!!!! I am no longer afraid to step out and do the things I feel led to do. I no longer feel the need to be the best, because I am okay with the fact that someone will ALWYAS be better, and that's okay. I'm gonna go up and sing with the worship team, lnowing that God says I have a right to be there because it is ALL for Him.....I am free.....truly, truly free....Amen!

Challenging Myself to Step Out on a Limb

I decided early this year to step out on a limb and do more things for myself. I have a few talents that I really need to nourish and grow and actually do something with. I chose to put my fears aside and like Nike....JUST DO IT! I have pretty much had ANY artistic ability I had growing up completely squelched or made fun of. No matter WHAT I did, I knew that going into law, becoming a doctor, an accountant, architecture or any of those other well paying jobs would never happen for me. Not because I'm not intelligent enough, but because I had/have NO desire to be involved in the pressures of those types of jobs. I have always had artistic talent in pretty much ANYTHING artistic......dancing, singing, acting, writing, drawing, crafting, sewing, crocheting, knitting, photography, playing instruments....if it is artistic, I am wholeheartedly, completely, fully into it. And it's funny, because if you want to pursue anything in the professional art world, it is probably as much pressure or more so than the other types of jobs....but hey, that's my gift.
So, I challenged myself this year to do more in the way of improving upon the artistic "me". I sit at home day after day, with no friends to hang with, out of my home country and do nothing. The things I look forward to are my one day a week grocery shopping outing, and my one day a week physie class. Sad, I know, but it's all I have. My husband is painfully shy and HATES crowds and people, so any kind of couples activities are strictly OUT. Which has often made me wonder why God placed me with him. Now, after almost 7 years, I think I know. I'm stuck at home, but it's here where I can actually embrace my artistic side and DO the things I love so much!!!!!! So, I'm embracing every possible realm of the arts I can......I am now writing my first novel, I've finished my first painting class, I take a dance type class, I am getting voice lessons, I sew, I am obssessed with photography, and I am teaching myself the keyboard....AGAIN. I would like to approach some authors about blogging about their books, too. I have to get more followers of this blog, though before I would feel comfortable doing that. This is my second blog site.....the first one I felt like I needed to shut down because I had a few creepy blog stalkers and the blog site wouldn't do anything about them. So I am hoping the creepy cyber stalkers won't find me here....heheheehe.
I am ready to find the thing or things that I can spend the rest of my life doing.....So,ME, I am throwing down the gauntlet and issuing the challenge......DO the things that you've always been good at......get better at them....and use them for the glory of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After all, it was He who gave me the artistic gifts in the first place. I don't have my family to squelch the desires of my heart anymore.....I don't even have to tell them I'm doing this......I just need to DO it!!!!!

What? Who, ME??????

I'm beginning to turn into THAT woman......yes, some of you know who I'm talking about. That woman who is a stay at home mama and LOVES her job, but is beginning to think that there is more to life than diaper duty, projectile vomiting, and cleaning up after everyone else. I am beginning to be the woman who wishes she could go out into the work force just so she can be around adults and have adult conversation that doesn't involve singing Wiggles songs around the clock. I'm becoming the woman that feels SO underappreciated, frumpy, underchallenged, depressed, grumpy, and unfulfilled. I'm the woman that is extraordinarily blessed, but yet doesn't understand why she feels so unhappy. I'm waking up on the wrong side of the bed so much that I wonder if there is still a "right" side of the bed. How does one snap out of this? What does a woman do when she wants a day off? Or two? Or ten!!!!! How can you explain to your un-understanding hubby that you need more.....more sleep, more hugs, more compliments, more help, more appreciation.....just more. Is it possible to actually get hubs to pick his flipping socks up off the floor??? Or his shirts? Pants? Undies? How do you make him understand that when he gives "mail" to the 2 and 4 yr olds that when they tear it up into tiny little pieces and you have bent over 1000 times to pick them up that he needs to FLIPPING STOP GIVING THEM PAPER!!!!!! I am becoming THAT woman......
I SO did not want to be that woman, either! I realize that real life isn't a fairy tale, don't get me wrong, I'm not TOTALLY deluded, I know that no one has the PERFECT life.....but is it wrong to expect common courtesy from thos you live with in your own home? How do you get kids to clean up after themselves without screaming yourself stupid at them? What do you do when time-outs, gentle spanks, time in the corner, removal of privileges, and being sent to your room doesn't work? I don't want to withdraw completely from my life but I sure feel like it. Nothing is appealing to me lately.....I just want to cry all the time. I know, I know.....depression.....
Don't get me wrong....I'm not that upset that I'm gonna drive my car off a cliff or anything, but dang.....I'm just a frustrated mama from Mississippi, living in Australia and needing a break!!!!! A break from hubby, a break from the kids....some time for me where I can curl up with a book, or my computer to work on my book, or sit on a deserted island with a gallon of double shot margaritas!!!!!! I want to be able to pull out my paints and canvas without also having to pull out the finger paints and THEN have to clean the mess up afterwards......I want to sit down to write and be able to actually concentrate, not have to keep interrupting my thoughts to wipe a snotty nose, get water or milk for someone, find something that's right in front of hubby's face......I want to be able to hop on my bike and go for what I now call a "mental health ride" and not have to helmet and strap 2 kids into the carriage behind the bike.....I want to finish some of the beautiful sewing projects I have started so I can wear some of these amazing clothes that are half finished and not have to wear clothes with holes in them.....I want to be able to go to the bathroom and have an uninterrupted shower or bubble bath.....I want to go out to the beach and take photos without having to leave my camera in the car because I have to watch 2 girls so they don't drown in the ocean.....
Am I being selfish here? Is ANYONE saying AMEN to ANY of this???? Because I'm here to tell you.....I'm A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gee, I feel better now that I have vented a bit......now I will go and kiss my three kids while they sleep, give hubby an extra snuggle tonight and go back and read this and go....WHAT? Who, ME?

Tired of it ALL

Okay.....y'all will have to forgive me for anything I might say that's offensive on this blog.....wait a second, this is MY blog, and I really don't care what ANYONE thinks because I am ANGRY!!!!! Angry as I can be!!!!! Don't get me wrong....I LOVE my family very much, but right now......I am seething mad at everyone in this house except the baby. And only NOT angry with her because she doesn't know better and she just wanted something that was taken from her. Okay....lemme re-cap my day.....woke up to the sound of the 3yr old absolutely tormenting the baby to the point where she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Which started my day off really bad because 1. I went to bed at 10:30, which is early for me, but didn't actually fall asleep until 1:30am for some reason. So, getting awakened at 5:45 am, didn't start Cyndi out in a very good mood. And 2. Because I hate being awakened for un-necessary things. So, I jump out of bed and break up the high-pitched squealing incident. I proceed to the kitchen where my son, who is not supposed to be out of bed until 6:30am at the earliest, is sitting on the couch watching a movie that was....well, a bit questionable. It was an R-rated one that he knows he isn't supposed to be watching. It had a lot of swearing in it, and he's been asked to not watch it. So, then I had to deal with that. Then, I make my way to the coffee machine, because I figure, if I have to be up at 5:45 for no reason, I'm gonna need some coffee...and FAST!!!!! So, I make the coffee...feed the kids breakfast, get them watching Hi-5 and other cartoons and I proceed to settle down to do some writing and play my fave FB games. So, my boy gets on the other computer, and of course, the teenager is still asleep and will be for many many more hours.....we'll get to him later.....
At this point, everything SEEMED to be okay at this point until the 3 yr old decides she wants something on the speaker where my hot coffee was....I'm sure you can guess what happened then.....yeah, she dumped it ALL over my arm and into my chair. I jumped up with my skin on fire and, surprisingly, screamed no obscenities.....I was very shocked and all I could think of was ripping my shirt off and getting this very hot coffee soaked shirt as far away from me as possible. Meanwhile, while I was in the bedroom changing and then going to put my shirt in the laundry, my 17 month old was in my make-up and covered in lipstick...my FAVORITE lipstick. And as she was doing this, my 11 and 3 yr old just sat there and did NOTHING!!!! I kind of don't expect the 3 yr old to do anything, but my 11 yr old should have at least TOLD me or tried to get the lipstick away from her....but he couldn't be bothered. About that time, my son's friends came over and wanted to play....which was fine with me....so he and his friend (and minutes later, his friends' brothers) are in the back room playing on the computer....which, again, I don't mind but the youngest one has NO intention of following our "house rules"....he does what he wants.....which means walking into my bedroom when I am changing, coming into the house without knocking, climbing on the windowsill and poking holes in the screens, going around to the back of the house if no one answers the door and peering through the windows and shouting for someone to and I quote "let me the hell IN"....this kid is like 5 years old too. He also just helps himself into the cupboards and every room in the house....even when asked to stay out of them. Anyway, everything SEEMS to be all well at this point....boys playing in the back, girls watching tv, me on the computer, teenager STILL sleeping. All of a sudden I hear AWWWWWWW COOL, and proceed to see ALL of my books being pulled off the shelf and thrown onto the floor so this little boy could get into my greeting card box where he could lick ALL of my envelopes. Enter a very MAD mother.....I asked my son to take the boys outside (it was around 10am at this point.....the boys go outside....yaaaaaay. Teenager wakes at 10:30 and rather than taking a shower, proceeds to spray an ENTIRE can of the nastiest, old man deodorant all over every inch of his body!!!!! Dear, heavens....my allergies!!!!!! Teenager proceeds to park himself on my couch and take over what hubby and I call the "grown-up" TV.....the kid TV is in the back, but this kid could care less....he does what he wants to, when he wants to with absolutely no concern for anyone else. I proceed to do several loads of laundry, the dishes, make the beds, general pick up....hubby comes home from work and I ask what he'd like for breakfast/lunch. He fixes his own breakfast, which I appreciated, but left a mess of fruit and yogurt all over the counter....I sigh and clean that mess, too. He parks himself on the couch and gets on his computer...which, I don't mind...he did just get off work and is entitled to have a rest...no worries. If you know my hubby, you know that I have to ask VERY early in the day what he wants for dinner because I'm a good cook, but a bad meal planner, so I need a little notice. So I ask him....darling, what would you like for dinner? I get the answer I expected.....WHATEVER. So, I'm thinking chicken of some sort. All I can think of is Buffalo chicken wings....they don't have those in Aussie land, and I often wish I could have them.....so, I hit the net to find a buffalo chicken sauce recipe. My mouth was watering as I read the recipe, as it is as I am writing this. So, I said mmmmmm buffalo chicken.....well, I didn't get the response I was hoping for, so I searched for chicken stew or something with rice, which also sounded good. Anyway, kids are asking for treats (we had none), so I said I'd make something yummy for after dinner dessert. They all wanted to know what I was making....I said SECRET, which started my kids a-begging as to what I would make. I SO miss Reese's Peanut Butter cups, so I wanted something peanut buttery and chocolatey.....mmmmmmmm I decided I was going to attempt to make chocolate cupcakes with a gooey peanut butter center. So, I got lucky and my hubby ended up making dinner because he didn't think my recipe I had picked would turn out very good....as per usual.....this is the man that does EVERYTHING right, makes NO mistakes, and ALWAYS criticizes people who don't do things the way HE thinks they should. So, it's only natural that I would mess up something simple like chicken stew.....
So I proceed to fold all the laundry while he's cooking dinner, keep the girls entertained, work around teenager who is STILL parked on the couch watching tv, and 11 yr old who has just come in demanding something to eat because he had skipped all his meals because playing was more important. He got told to wait. Hubby gets dinner served and we sit down to eat and I get hounded again about what dessert I will make. I don't like telling anyone what I'm making because if they don't like it, they will complain and gripe about it until I either make nothing at all, which means that the non complainers get punished because of a bad seed. And then everyone else is in a rotten mood because they don't get a treat because of the complainer. So, after dinner, teenager goes back to the couch, 11 yr old goes to his room to play, and I asked for the older three (hubby, teenager, and 11 yr old) to please keep the girls out of the kitchen so I could get this done with no stress. Did that happen......NO, not even a LITTLE bit! I asked teenager to stay out of the kitchen as well, but he marches right in and reads the recipe so he could go and tell everyone what I was making, ruining the surprise I SO wanted to deliver to my family who I love so much.....so that really made me mad! THEN, the girls, being unwatched as asked, wandered into the kitchen and wanted to lick the beaters....I was going to need them again ASAP, but because hubby said awwwwww, just let them lick a beater, I did. Well 3 yr old had no problem giving it back when I needed it back, but 17 month old...oh dear heavens, screamed like a banshee, because for all she knew, mama was taking her treat away from her. SO she stood next to me and screamed and screamed and screamed......and SCREAMED. Where is hubby? On the computer. Where is teenager? On his ass watching TV....STILL!!!! Where is 11 yr old? Playing video games. So I said SCREW this ( sorry, Mama), threw the bowls in the sink and said I'm not doing this. Then I proceeded to get verbally attacked from 3 yr old, 11 yr old, teenager, and husband because now they weren't getting their peanut butter chocolate cupcakes.....they ALL jumped up and offered to help with the baby, but I was FED UP! I had NO intention of going back to the kitchen and making ANYTHING for those ungrateful JERKS. They should have helped me the FIRST freaking time!!!!!!!! After all, 11 yr old did nothing but play all day while I did his laundry, washed his dishes, and picked up, and attempted a nice dessert for him....teenager, who has GOT to be the laziest person ( other than his mother) on this whole earth, slept until 10:30, watched movies and played on the computer all day. Why? Oh, why could no one just helped out while I made THEM a treat? I mean can someone not get off their butt just to play with the baby for about 20 minutes while I whipped up the stinking cupcakes???? I gave up cooking Buffalo chicken because the idea didn't sound good to his highness and the prince (hubby and his son).....and then I have to give up the peanut butter and chocolate dessert that I SO craved, too because I had to hold a screaming baby. Then I get attitude from hubby for being mad....this is an every day occurrence for me and I am stinking SICK TO DEATH OF IT!!!!!! Tell me, folks....am I wrong to be angry and feel unappreciated? I honestly wouldn't care if this only happened once in a while but this is EVERY day now......Okay, venting over.....time to chill out and see if I can get over this.....

2010....good year, bad year? YOU decide for yourself!

As 2009 closes, I reflect back on the last year....I accomplished several things I really wanted to......some things that I also really wanted to do, didn't happen. But as I am really trying to be positive about the things that didn't happen, it still makes me sad. I hoped to really find some people here in my town, or near my town that I could grow closer to. I am having a horrible time finding someone who I connect with, who I can trust and who likes some of the same things as me. I MISS terribly all my friends back in America. I don't hate Australia, I actually love it here, but I am very lonely for girlfriends. I hope this year will be the year I find some close friends. I accomplished a healthier eating style, which I truly needed....although at times, I really, REALLY don't like it. But I am doing it all the same. I accomplished a lot, sewing-wise. I learned SO many new things and have made several outfits for myself and my girls, as well as helped with costuming with the show I did. I am VERY interested in photography right now and this year would really like to study the craft a LOT more. I'm hoping to take some classes and get better at it. I grew as a mama, which I needed to do. I learned to be more patient, more accepting, and more of a stick to your guns parent, too. I will still be working on getting better at this quality THIS year too. I learned a lot about other people....the kind I'd like to become more like, and more impotantly, the kind I want to avoid totally. I've learned to try and find the good in others at all times. Surely EVERYONE has SOME good in them, even if you have to dig WAY deep to find it. I've learned not to give up on my dreams.....some of them I know I will probably never accomplish, but I will still try. I've learned not to give up on people....they are worth fighting for....Jesus fought for me, and for the people I don't like, so I will keep on trying to love the unloveable. I realized last year that my BS meter is now REALLY low. I don't have time for any more drama, back stabbing, gossip, meanness, intimidation, or anything from anyone! I refuse to stand idly by when someone is being done wrong or unjustly talked about or gossiped about. I know I can't right ALL the wrongs I see and hear, but the ones in my teeny corner of the world I will do my best to make right. Positivity is going to be HUGE in my life this year.....I used to be Nancy Negative in EVERY situation.....about 10 yrs ago, I realized it wasn't working for me, so I made a decision to change it. I did, but it seems that ol' Nancy has eeked her way back in this year and I have decided NO MORE. I hate negativity, and I want no part of it, ANYMORE! So I'm putting on my positive panties here. I think and hope that at the end of this year, I will have HUGE accomplishments and goals met because of the positive thinking and acting. So goodbye 2009, it was a decent year, but I want SPECTACULR.....so bring it on!

Santa's been....and gone and I'M exhausted!

I just sat down here on this Christmas Day evening and I am exhausted! We were up at 7 am which was surprising because the older two went to bed SO excited about opening presents. I figured they'd be up at daylight! Anyway, this is the first Christmas where Gracie knew ( for the most part) what was going on. It was fun to watch her eyes and face as she opened up presents from Mama and Daddy and Santa. She got a trike and was really excited. She also got a Fur Real friend cat and was completely over the moon about it. She giggled and laughed and was totally cute. She kept saying "Oh THANK you Santa, thank you!" And she looked at me and said very dramatically....thank you Mothah....STILL not sure where she got the Mother from...LOL....but said with a VERY English accent....cute cute cute! Charley....well, she wasn't very sure what in the world was going on. And as most babies do, she was way more interested in the wrapping paper and boxes. But she DID squeal a bit at her few toys she got. It is SO fun to watch my kids at Christmas! I remember the joy I used to feel and the excitement of everything.....We did it really small this year because of finances as well as the fact that we want the kids to appreciate Christmas for the REAL reasons...Jesus!!!! I didn't grow up going to church...and to me, Christmas was ALL gimme, gimme, gimme....but I have ALWAYS loved giving gifts too. I LOVE to make or buy something for family and/or friends and watch them open it up and see the happiness on their face. I really try to be thoughtful in my gift giving, so as not to have the dreaded occurrence of re-gifting....or returning and exchanging. Anyway, I wanted the kids to have the apppreciation for a few nice gifts as opposed to TONS and TONS of stuff. My sons like their gifts too....and I LOVED mine. I got a lounge chair and some perfume and a season of Will and Grace.....SCORE! Sadly, my Honda Jazz was no where to be found....Santa must have forgotten that. But all in all, it was a nice day and as I am about to fall over from exhaustion, I will wrap this up...no pun intended. Merry Christmas to you and yours! God Bless

Whew! I'm through!

I just finished with 19 shows at the local theatre here in my town. I think I have decided I am finished with this particular group of people.....why? you ask.....well, I realize when you are dealing with any bit of the entertainment industry, you can run into some serious ego problems, but in saying that, I have found in the past, that the egos are USUALLY associated with the professional entertainment part of it, not the amateur part.....sheeesh. I LOVE most of the people within that group, but my heavens, the few with the MONSTER egos really, REALLY ruin it for me, and for a lot of the others. They seem to walk around with this AMAZING attitude of I AM BETTER THAN YOU, SO GET THE @#$% OUT OF MY WAY!!!! I think it bothers me so much because of the town I grew up in and it's snobbish ways. As I have said before, I HATE snobby people with a passion. People who are rude, snobbish, deliberately intimidating, nasty, back-stabbing, shallow, superficial people have no place in my world. I go out of my way to avoid them. I am a person who tries to find the good in everyone.....I firmly believe that there is good in everyone, BUT, people like that, I don't even try with anymore. I spent a lifetime trying to get folks like that to look for the good in me and there were no takers. So therefore, I decided a few years ago, that I would pray for those people....the ones in my past as well as the ones in my present and future.....I WILL NOT hang out with them, or try to be friends, I will just pray for them and their egos. I pray that they don't destruct others on their path of amateur theatre stardom.....and I will pray for those they hurt, even when I wish they'd go fall off the wall by the river ( sorry, God). I don't really wish that, but hey, I REALLY have a HUGE problem with people that have to belittle others to make themselves feel better. I REALLY want to do this musical next year, and hopefully I will want to audition by then, but as of right now, I am DONE with it.
I was really treated very nastily by a few people this show, as were some others. I just kind of vented to a friend about it and let it go, then this same "person" went off on me again and reminded me who she was. I just said oh sorry, MY BAD, then walked away again. When it happened the third time, I said wait there, Miss, I DO NOT deserve to be spoken to that way.....I really don't CARE who you are, you will not speak to me that way. She walked away shocked and went and told all her other cronies that I was rude to her. Funnily enough, the other cronies are as egotistical as her and were glad she got put in her place, so they just said get over it ( insert Wench's name here ). When she popped off the next time, she was doing it what she THOUGHT was behind my back, but I was just within earshot as I was changing into my next costume, and she was telling a complete lie. I poked my head out from behind the costumes and just smiled and said....Gee, (insert name here), you sure got THAT story very wrong, now, didn't ya? She turned beet red, and started with the uh, um, yeah, err, umms.....SHE as well as the person she was telling the non-truths to, knew she got busted hard! So, it was actually nice to see her fall down off that pedestal, and got herself busted for lying and meanness.....now the other divas are wary. So yaaaaaay me, I sat back, I didn't say anything nasty back to her, I defended myself kindly, and then busted her lies......whiiiiiiiiiistle, SPLAT.....off the pedestal, she goes.....and I kept my integrity, and held my tongue so as not to stoop to her level.
The only bad thing about this, is it is really robbing me of my favorite thing, and that is being onstage......I just don't like being around people who use others to make them feel better about themselves. We shall see what happens......

Fearing the unknown

How do you put fears aside? How can you get past them and move on? I SO wish I knew the answer to this. After a lifetime of criticism and being told I couldn't do things, I live a life of fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of rejection......how am I supposed to lay aside those fears and do the things that God and my heart are telling me to do? I know, I know.....just give it to God and ask for strength. But I don't even believe in myself.....I DO believe in my ideas, which I think is a start. But pushing past the fears and putting stuff into action is another story totally. I have this block, I suppose, that if no one has ever believed in me, how can God possibly believe in me? I know He does, but someone tell me how I can drop this? I could probably already be a millionaire if I only took even half of the ideas I have and put them into place. I am smart, I am discerning (most of the time, anyway ), I am way creative, and I LOVE to learn....isn't that a good start for a recipe of success?! But how can I just let go of the stupid fear. I KNOW that not everyone is going to like me, or admire me, or agree with me, and honestly, I am pretty okay with that, BUT hearing rejecting words or crticism can shut me down instantly and make me run SO far from what I am trying to do, never to return...or possibly return but WAY down the line. Weird because ALL the avenues I am the strongest in revolve around criticism....people liking what you do, or NOT. I plead with the Almighty Savior to give me the strength I need to push me past this feeling of inadequacy and move me into the world of confidence......of no fear.....of success. People who criticise me.....go to.....ummmmm, well....I won't stoop to your level....Bless you, please find a life where your very being doesn't revolve around making others feel bad....because somehow, some way, I WILL get past this, and all I can say is WATCH OUT, MAN!!!!!!! Your over-inflated ego is gonna get popped when I come flying past you, and it will be a joy for me to watch you splatter onto the ground when you fall off your precious pedestal that you have placed yourself on......geez, I'm gonna go now and find some strength to conquer this fear......belle down unda, out!

I can't remember where I found this, but I thought it was REALLY cool.....hope you enjoy as much as I did!!!

You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about. Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the home of her husband's employer. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.. The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. Her husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely. As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant one evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up? Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer.. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this? "Look at it," he said. "Read what it says." She read the words, " United States of America ." "No, not that. Read further." "One cent?" "No, keep reading." "In God we Trust?" "Yes!" "And?. .. ." "And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin, I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him. Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray. I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!" When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. "Yes, God, I get the message!" It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient.

Criticism SUCKS

Geez.....how can people walk around criticizing others so much?! I have been a victim of harsh criticism ALL my life and I have to say, I AM BLOODY WELL SICK OF IT!!!!!! I grew up in a very critical family......2 beautiful sisters who I looked up to who thought I should be just like them......therefore, they criticized when I wasn't.....not enough make-up, too much make-up, not fashionable enough clothes, gee, you look fat in that, don't do it THIS way, do it MY way, you can't do that, you're not talented enough, don't major in that, you aren't smart enough, you don't have what it takes to do whatever it is you want to do......and that was just my family growing up. I am glad I woke up to the fact that being me isn't all that bad, but sadly, it was too late to not have a complex....a BIG one. I have suffered from extraordinarily low self esteem my whole life.....and I THINK (keep in mind, I'm no psychologist ), that it has contributed to the fact that in most cases I am afraid to finish things. I am SO stinkin' scared that someone, somewhere is going to tell me it is substandard, or crappy, or looks bad, or whatever negative things they could possibly say. I am TIRED of being crushed all the time....tired of people thinking I can't do things before I even start them. I tell myself day in and day out that I CAN if I want to but dammit, I think don't do it, finish it, then you won't have anyone to tell you you did a bad job. Have I got issues or what?????? LOL Funnily enough, on stage is where I feel most comfortable.....maybe because I am stepping outside myself and being someone else....I've never been afraid of public speaking auditioning, singing in front of others, dancing in front of others, whatever....but once I am off the stage I freak out......I don't like criticism.....why? Because most people don't know how to do it right. You CAN criticize without crushing someone's spirit......without totally bursting their bubble.....it has happened to me before, so I KNOW it can be done. It can be done in a way that you don't even know you're being criticized....because there is love behind it, there is respect behind it, the person has your best interest at heart, etc. As I am going on this quest to find me, I am going to make it my goal not to criticize anymore.....unless there is love and kindness and that person's best interest at heart. I don't want to EVER make someone feel like they are nothing.....I don't know if I will ever feel like I am someone, but I can make sure my friends and kids and hubby don't feel like they are nothing to me. I want to be the friend/mama/wife that will affirm, not crush. Not that I have ever been a big criticizer, but I am making it a point to not do that.....EVER. I have always tried to encourage people in their endeavors without gushing over them. I don't know if you have read the Love Languages book, but guess, what???? I am a words of affirmation person......gifts are nice, physical touch is great, acts of service are cool, quality time is good too, but I need to know you love me, are proud of me, that I did a good job, etc. Take the bloody time, people, to find out what really makes the people you love feel the best and DO IT! And to all the criticizers out there.......STUFF OFF, and keep your harshness away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop banging your gavel at me!

Another week, another story to tell.....sad, actuallly, because it's professed Christian people it is about. You know, I understand with people like these, why non-believers have NO intention of following Christ or even wanting to know more about Him. Okay, now I know, that at times, I have probably judged people unfairly....either out in the open or just in my mind, but when I am wrong, I will say I'm wrong. Before I became a Christian, I had a lot of these gavel bangers telling me how I "should" be living my life....what I was doing wrong, how I should do things THIS way. I realize that when I was "in the world", I was wild and there were a LOT of things I should have been doing differently. I shouldn't have been drinking so much, I shouldn't have been having sex outside of marriage, I shouldn't have been the person so full of hate that I was. But you couldn't have told me that then. I have always been a bit on the stubborn side....I do things on my OWN time. I don't like being pushed into something that I haven't researched or been ready for to begin with. I have always kind of danced to the tune of a different drummer....and I like that. But there are so many people that think...hey man, I believe it, so you should, too....I do it, so you should too. NO NO NO!!!!!
Some background.....current situation....there's a girl at church who has been raised in a Christian home.....she's a nice and beautiful girl, but she has taken a bit of a turn towards the world....away from the world she was raised in. I won't say what she's doing because it isn't my place and I would hate for her to think I thought ill of her. Well, people are absolutely crucifying her...poor darling. Sadly, it's two of the leaders in the church. We ALL realize that what she is doing isn't right, but it ISN'T our right to go and judge her for it. She's young and testing out the waters. We would ALL like for her to return to Jesus and let HIM give her what she feels she is missing and going to seek, but hey, I have learned that people need to make their own mistakes. How will they ever learn to make wise choices, if they don't make mistakes once in a while? All I am doing is praying that she will return to her home...with her family and with Jesus.....I won't judge her for it. "Those kind" of Christians were the reason I never wanted anything to do with God until I was in my late 20's. I grew up in a town FULL of people who judged you for whatever reason and I have to say I think it stinks!!!!! I knew/know a lot of people who were/are true Christian in every sense of the word. They were the same at home alone as they were in public. They radiated love and kindness and so many awesome Christian qualities. They accepted people lock, stock and barrel.....no questions! They never tried to shove Jesus down people's throats. They just have this....aura (for lack of a better word)....of love and joy. THOSE were the kinds that eventually drew me in. They KNEW I was in utter hell in my life at that point, they knew I was making horrible choices, they knew I was really mentally screwed up, but they never ever said anything to me about it. They just loved me and invited me to church functions. They let me see for myself, on my own time, what God was really all about. They NEVER judged me...and I thank them for that.
So my issue is this....we, as Christian people, should stop trying to tell everyone what they should do. I don't like to be bossed around, so my mission is to not boss others. Just love them as they are, even if their choices are making you cringe and you KNOW they will be leading themselves into destruction. Pray for them, be there for them, show them Christ's love by not judging them, as He doesn't judge us....invite them to a non churchy church function....a barbecue or something....just love them. STOP banging your gavel at people....me included....I've made horrid mistakes in my life and received HUGE amounts of judgement and I resented that for a long time...in some ways I still do. I realize that these folks wanted me to have the peace and freedom that you can only get through God's love, but by dang, you aren't lily white!!!!! You make mistakes, too....shake your finger at yourself in the mirror, first, before you shake your finger at me....or at ANYONE. And until God sends me the memo that He is turning the gavel over to you....stop banging your gavel at me!!!!!!!!

A place to vent

I have been looking for a place to vent my feelings, frustrations, share funny stories, share my faith, and read other people's stuff, too. I enjoy writing about things that I am involved in, have been involved in or WANT to be involved in. I need a place where I can be 100% totally me, and not care the consequences of who thinks what about me.....sorry, Mama. I am under construction, so to speak, in my life right now and I am trying to change a lot of things, so I may totally be contradictive (is that even a word?) in what I say now and what I may say tomorrow, so be prepared. Feel free to comment, add your opinion, praise me or flog me.....whatever you like. I try my very best not to be offensive to people, but I also need and want to be a person that can freely speak their mind, so forgive me from the start if I say something you don't agree with. I am trying to find myself right now.....what I want in life, what God wants for my life, and how to be whatever God and me want.....and right now....I haven't the slightest clue. So bear with me and my idiosyncracies, typos, anger, laughter, venting, or whatever else you may read. I think right now my motto is I'M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!!!!!!!! Yes, I love Shrek...hee hee I also tend to be talking about something and ramble off onto something else....I think that would be the fact that I just found out I have ADD....so bear with me on my unorganized thoughts. Are y'all tired yet?????? I hope you will laugh with me, cry with me, agree with me, disagree with me (kindly, please), and have fun with me on my journey to self discovery......woooooo hooooo....let's get started!!!