Aren't I the laziest blogger EVER?

Okay, so.....I have 2 blogs and I frequently write on one, but have forgotten about this one. OOPS! I realize I haven't posted in here in over a year! So, I decided to work more on this one and forget about the other for a while. In my last post, I said I would be posting pics of my creations, wellllll, I have created a TON of things, but just have been lazy and haven't posted any pics. I have heaps. I also have heaps of pictures of just general stuff that need to go on here. So, I am committing myself....I am committing to start blogging on here regularly, posting pics of my creations and of my beautiful children. I promise to share my new journeys with you in weight loss, in photography, in creativeness, etc. I realize I have few followers, but that isn't necessarily why I started doing this. I started because I needed a place to vent.....I needed a place that was just ME, a place where it was about me putting my feelings, opinions, musings, thoughts, ramblings, soap-box standings, etc into writing where I could look back and see how I have grown, changed, and improved (or not). I am gonna put myself out there and expose the hell out of myself because I need changes....BAD! I need a venting place....BAD! I need a place where I might offend, but it isn't necessarily intentional, but have the right to do so because it's MY page. I don't mind comments that may differ from my opinions, in fact, I welcome them. Well, as long as you can be respectable about it....I don't mind differing opinions because, dude, I'm all about free speech. I AM American, after all. And, although my country seems to be trying to take rights away from it's people lately, here in MY world of bloggerhood, y'all are ALL free to talk freely. I will begin this whole "journey back to my space" with a picture of me that will have to get put up tomorrow because I am uber sick today and I am NOT letting ANYONE get within 50 feet of me with a camera. I want to have to look at my gruesome self for a while until I am more motivated to finish my weight loss journey. And also, my hair will be blonde again when I take my next pic (thank you, Jesus and Miss Clairol). I am going to take a nap now because my daughter is in the garden with Daddy and I feel icky.

Gonna get my Martha Stewart on!!!! Well, in SOME ways!

Okay, so, I have sat on my tushie for far too long......I have decided that my creativity and crafting can no longer wait for my kids to get older. I must "do my thing". I have sat here in my chair for a long time and have decided that I am going to create patterns and do tutorials for some of them so I can share them with others. I have so many ideas and I have sewn so many things for my kids and for me. I have made a lot of gifts and have decided it's time to hit eBay and the markets and sell my wares. I need something I can do from home and this is gonna be it!!!! So look out blog world....I'll be posting pics and stuff reeeeal soon....
Cheers,
Cyn

Cheers, FRIENDS

I was/am in one of those moods where I am pondering.......pondering about how God is working on me. Ways in which I am not ready ot be worked on. Funny how He does that, eh? When you aren't wanting to be "worked on", He has other plans completely. He is forcing me to face my past...things I would rather keep buried forever. I chose to bury those things because dealing with it is too painful. So painful, in fact, that the mere thought of bringing ALL that crap to the surface and facing it again actually makes me think suicidal thoughts, hence the reason I prefer to leave it buried.....FOREVER! There is not ONE person on this Earth who knows about THAT year.....and I ain't planning on telling anyone about it. I WANTED that left between God and me forever....
So, how does one tell, beg, ask, plead, implore God to let you leave something alone. I don't feel like it builds walls between me and others, I don't mistreat anyone because of this.....I felt like it actually made me stronger, because if a person can go through THAT kind of hell and NOT be dead, then they (me) are pretty dang strong.
I always thought that when I actually shared this with someone, ANYONE, that I would be telling one of my friends in America....who know everything (well, except this) about me and still love me. Amy, Teresa, Beverly....they know it ALL. Two of them actually "knew me when....." I can't have the kind of phone time where I could actually dump this on them and get it off my chest. THIS is why only God knows...why I can talk to Him when it starts to haunt me again, why I can share the most intimate details with Him and not feel like I am being judged. He holds me close when I get scared and tells me it will be okay and I get over it quickly and just bury it back in the "whew, it came, it saw, it went" box and hope it never rears its ugly head again. So, why now? Why THIS? Why not some of the other areas I need to work on.....I just don't trust anyone with information of this calibre. But SHOULD I? Who would it be? When and HOW would I do it? How will they react when I tell them?
Which brings me to my pondering.....Wouldn't it be SO cool if I had friends here in Australia like the ones on FRIENDS or Cheers? You know...."where everybody knows your naaame, and they're always glad you caaaame" and "I'll be there for youuuuuu, when the rain starts to fallllll"...those kinds of friends. Those guys fought, judged, and had issues, but they accepted each other, loved each other and were loyal at all costs. They admitted fault and still loved each other. They listened, they advised, they led and let lead. It would be so amazingly cool to have a circle like that.....sigh. Ah, whatever....I just hope God picks someone who is planning on moving away from this area if I have to share...LOL I don't want the repercussions of that judgement....because I KNOW I will get judgement in some shape form or fashion....is there really ANYONE out there who wouldn't judge me, I wonder. This issue wasn't even my fault in the least, but I just don't want to bring it up, I just want to let the past be the past and forget about it. Okay, gonna go watch Friends now....LOL

Things that are bad for me

Don't you just HATE it when you LOVE something, I mean REEEEALLY love something, and then someone comes along and tells you that it's bad for you? I hate it, and I hate it BAD. I want to live in a world where things that are bad, are actually good for you! I WANT chocolate to be good for me....so good in fact, that I could eat it every day and never gain weight....dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, purple chocolate...whatever......I NEED to hear that chocolate is good for me. I know that studies are now coming out about the benefits of dark chocolate, and, believe me, I use that to my benefit, but I am tired of people coming along and ruining it as I am enjoying it by saying "You shouldn't be eating that!". I KNOW I shouldn't be eating it....usually I am beating myself up as I am eating it, but leave me and my food choices alone!! DO you realize how LONG it has been since I have enjoyed some good chocolate?????? No, you don't, you don't have any idea....so why wreck my moment?! Why wreck anyone's moment? Did I ask you to hold me accountable for my eating choices? Nope!!!! So, when someone, no matter WHAT their weight is, is enjoying something that YOU think they shouldn't...JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE TO ENJOY THEIR SNACK GUILT-FREE!!!!!
I want bacon to be good for me, rasher bacon, streaky bacon, bacon bits, bacon pieces.......CAKE....chocolate cake, vanilla cake, cup cake, sponge cake, pound cake, coconut cake.....CHIPS.....potato chips, corn chips, hot chips, wedges, bring on the chips.....I LOVE healthy food......I LOVE raw veggies and cooked veggies and sauteed veggies, veggie juice, etc. I also LOVE fruit....in any shape form or fashion....but it's JUST not the same now is it?! I enjoy healthy meals, but sometimes, I just wanna eat total crap.......stuff that isn't good for me. Is that okay with you, Miss or Mister Diet Police? And others want to do that, too.....so leave 'em alone and let em enjoy....and while you're at it, remove whatever has you all "clogged up" and enjoy some of it, too. Step down....soap box ranting finished.....I'm off to the grocery store...

2011.....the year of servanthood

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to stop griping and bitching about not having any friends in Australia and just start serving my church. I joined the worship team a few months back and wanted to do even more. So a couple of weeks ago I decided that I didn't just WANT to serve, I NEEDED to serve......A MILLION ideas popped into my head that I thought were doable. I LOVE my little church!!!! I wanted to do more....be a part of making it go from wonderful to....SPECTACULAR!!! It needs color, it needs creative people who are willing to do things and I am creative AND willing. I think that doing things at my church will be beneficial to me for a lot of reasons....it will get me out of the house, it will help me do the creative things that I love so much and maybe I will just bless someone along the way, which is really what my main goal is. I LOVE to be a blessing to others.....I don't see myself as much of a "blesser" right now, but you never know. I just want to make others smile....I love people that smile easily. I take it as a personal challenge when I find someone that won't smile easily and do everything I can to make them smile. What a feeling it is when you can light up someone's face!!!!!!!! I am making it a point to get to know people this year. Maybe my friend problem is because I am waiting for everyone to come to me, rather than seeking them out and getting to know them.....oh heavens, I am like my baby sister in that way....yikes!!!!! Don't wanna be like her!!!!! She's a nice person, but she never makes an effort with ANYONE, they always have to come to her.....lI find that a bit snooty and I am seeing that I have been like that a little bit. nonononononononono!!!!!! I have a few things I would like to do this year.....I want to start a women's Bible study and do some Beth Moore curriculums. Beth Moore's A Heart Like His was the Bible study that made me commit to the Lord. She is powerful and challenging and blesses you SO abundantly. I want to share that with others!!!!!! I want to do another musical, but I want it to be for adults this time too. I want to help decorate our church and make it bright and cheery!!!!! I want to help start a ladies ensemble group. I want to take more pics and use them to help decorate the church. God has placed all this on my heart and I have to get off my butt and put some of it into action. Of course, I have to run all this by my pastor and his wife.....but it was really funny that this morning he preached on using your gifts and not hiding them. So, I need to set up a time with him to see what his ideas on all this are. I just feel like God is telling me it's my time......my time to start serving with no excuses. I don't want to be a part of the problem, I want to be part of the solution. So, now that God has laid this on my heart, I will be praying for strength to actually do it. I will have to cut my Facebook time to about 2 hrs a day as opposed to 5 or 6...even more on some days.....which will be really hard for me....really, really hard. I have decided to cut down to three apps instead of 6. Choosing which ones I will play will be hard as I love them all.....but it needs to be done. So, I have put in writing where my heart is at, and I am doing this publicly, well, sort of, so people can hold me accountable when I go astray. I will post it on FB in a few days when I decide which apps I am sticking with and I will delete the others. I am going to put myself on a 9 to 5 schedule and get things done in my house and stop making excuses. I will get my kids onto a more doable schedule and stick to it. I am tired of watching life go past me.....I wanna go out and be a part of it!!!!!! So no more sitting around for me.....I'm DOING this year, not just BEING. Big step.....biiiiiiig step. Time for the big girl undies!!!!! Bring it on!

I'm finally free!!!! Satan, go back to hell....

I have been set free......and when I say set free, I mean SET FREE!!!!!! I have had the worst few months....I think it's safe to say that satan KNEW I was on the verge of breaking free and really harassed the heck out of me so I couldn't allow the breakthrough to happen. Let me tell you about my last couple of weeks.....
It started when we had a speaker at our church a month or so back....his name is escaping me right now, Frank something....ah, whatever....anyway, he was good, REALLY good. He was really passionate and I hung on his every word. Towards the end of the service, he prayed for those that wanted the gift of tongues and to be washed in the Holy Spirit. I knew I needed SOMETHING, so I decided to go out front and have him pray for me. I felt a lot better after leaving there, but there was still something that either I wasn't GETTING or the breakthrough hadn't quite hit the mark. I was really starting to question God.....a LOT. What did He want from me, FOR me? I wanted joy, I wanted happiness, I wanted this blasted low self esteem GONE. I wanted worth, because I wasn't getting it from ANYONE around here, including my family, especially my family. Hubs and kids were making me nuts by their actions and words....I couldn't take much more. Crazy thoughts were in my head....very crazy ones.....walking away from my family, starving myself to death, just self destructive things. This Frank fella snapped those thoughts out of my head, praise the Lord, but I was still very down. I decided at this point that I was tired.....tired of being sick and tired. I begun teaching myself Photoshop so I could improve my photos, I sewed my little heart out and made things for the girls and I, and something I've been wanting to do for a LONG time...I decided to join the worship team at church. Making these small choices made me feel heaps better, especially the worship team one. I've been wanting to serve at church, but in actuality was freaked out by the idea of being on the worship team because I felt small and inadequate next to these awesome ladies and gentlemen of God. I felt I had no right to be standing next to them even if I did have a decent voice to contribute to the group. satan the snake had his bugs in my ear....."you don't deserve it, your voice sucks, you're too fat, you'll look like a fool next to those people of strong faith" etc, etc......if you're Christian, you know satan's drill. I was at one of my lowest points when I went to the first team group meeting. It was a team builders night where they don't sing but do activities and build communication skills and just fellowship with each other. I was in MISERY!!!! I felt I had no right to be there.....wanted SO much to go home and just cry. But they had a bit of a message that really spoke to me....it was exactly what I needed to hear. It was about people that build up as opposed to people that destroy.....was awesome. I'm not sure if anyone could understand the impact it had on me that night.....I wasn't the one destroying....I was being DESTROYED!!!! I spoke with a precious new friend of mine at the end of the night.....she asked me if I was okay and we talked.....I vaguely spoke to her about some of my issues and she asked if I could share a bit more. I didn't feel comfortable dumping on her at this meeting but I told her I would share at some point. But I did tell her I was being totally destroyed right now and she said she would pray for me. I held onto that and hoped she would. I felt better after leaving there. I held on, barely, just begging God to sustain me until satan stopped his warfare on me. I would spend most of my days just begging Him to make my family stop saying mean things and for Heaven's sake, send me a friend I can talk to!!!! I honestly believe in my heart and soul that the reason I have been so blue is because my girlfriend circle is basically non-existant here. I miss my friends, I ache for my friends that I had in America. The potential ones here just don't seem to have time for the friendships I crave so much.....and I certainly don't fault them for that, they have lives and jobs and families. ANyway, I knew Diane was going to be here and in all honesty, I actually dreaded, as well as looked forward to, her coming. I dreaded it because I know how prophetic she is and how she can see ALL the ugly that was me. It is embarrassing to have so much inside you that you really don't know how to get rid of. I began to stop begging God for it and started claiming that I wanted to be set free.....I didn't want to just be happy, I wanted JOY.....the kind of joy that radiates from your very core. I didn't want mediocrity, I wanted SPECTACULAR. I wanted more. I am on Facebook ALL the time and would see all these requests for prayer....so I took it upon myself to pray for these people. I thought to myself "Hey, I might be a total mess, but I can pray others don't end up like me". So I prayed, I took back my positive attitude towards life, even when I was around Ol' Norman Negative....I just refused to let his moods ruin my day. I felt better when I was praying for others, knowing God would work His ways in their lives and situations....I prayed, I worshipped, I read my Bible on my Blackberry, I read my Joyce Meyer books, my Christian novels, I wrote in my positive thoughts journal.....I felt hugely better, but I still had that inner battle going on.....satan and his nasty rotten loathesome self whispering in my ears.....
Enter Diane Pearce.....I didn't even WANT to go to churhc that Sunday......I didn't want to see her set free OTHERS, I wanted her to set ME free. I was minutes away from not going, but every time I have had that attitude, I force myself to go and I usually benefit immensely from it. I knew how amazing of a speaker she was, so I knew I would benefit , but I needed a miracle and satan was telling me I had not a hope in hell to get one. I shook that fork tongued, nasty thing off and went.
I happened to be standing at the door when she walked in and she gave me a hug and kissed my cheek and we chatted for a few minutes. Somehow, I had a feeling.......maybe today was my day.....just maybe. I even was blessed enough to have two of my most fave youths girls watching my girls so I could be in the service. Our church bookstore happened to be there selling books too and I had had my eye on the Joyce Meyer book POWER THOUGHTS and had almost bought it earlier that week. Well, our so generous pastor asked who would like a copy and I shot my hand in the air and he gave it to me....woo hoo....put me on a cloud already!!! She spoke and blew me away as she always does. At the end she asked if anyone needed healing.....my mind said "NO, you need a miracle!!!!!" I walked to the front....I waited and spent some time with God......I asked to be free, I asked for worth, I asked for acceptance, I asked for friends to talk to, I asked for joy. I felt heaps better after church....so much so that I actually stayed and chatted for a bit after church, which I had been avoiding for months....unless someone caught me and I HAD to talk to them. Now, if you know me, even a LITTLE bit, you know that is SO NOT like me!!!! I can talk to ANYONE....I love to talk to people, learning about their lives, sharing mine with them.....it's hard to shut me up at times.....so to avoid socialization is big for me. I also thought that maybe I needed to just work on being the silent type as my chattery-ness and sarcastic wit may put these Aussie people off. So I tried to listen and be quiet.....dang near killed me, but I was doing it.
Wednesday night rolls around....I wanted to hear Diane again......
When time came around where she was starting to pick folks out of the congregation, she nailed me square on the head.....She said I feel like there are some people that have escaped being killed by the bear, only to run into a tiger. Then they escape the tiger, go home, put their hand out and get bitten by a snake....I whispered to my husband, gee, I believe she just summed up my life in 2 sentences. She said she felt like there were 3.....She caught the eye of the first one....she asked her to come forward and she prayed for her. She looked around for the second person, Kev nudged me and said raise your hand, I did, but she missed me. She prayed for the next person. She looked for the third person and I raised my hand the same time as another....she said Oh, I thought there were 3.....well, come forward. And you know what satan did? He said hahahahahaha she thinks you are full of it. I said to him...I am NOT full of it you slimy lump of crap.....she just described me and you KNOW it.....maybe someone ELSE was full of it......maybe she just had her number wrong....stupid stupid satan. She prayed for me and then she evidently knew how strong old slimys hold was on me.....she pulled out the big guns and asked the whole congregation to lift their hands to me and pray too. Slimeball satan knew his hold on me was on the last thread and he was hanging on for dear life....she said I just see/feel something on your back, I'm just going to remove it. I LITERALLY felt like my feet left the ground at this point.....my back and shoulder tingled as this "thing" was removed off of me.......I fell to my knees rather than fall over and this powerful feeling of joy enveloped me. I started to smile and just pray quietly to myself....it was freaking amazing!!!!! I left there Wed night on a cloud! Decided to go Saturday at this point, I wanted more and I wasn't going to quit until I got it. I rode the bike with the kids in tow and my son watched the girls while I stayed in and listened to Diane. She spoke an amazing message AGAIN and I hung on every word!!!! I can't remember how she picked me out of the crowd THIS time, but she singled me and another lady out.....she prayed for her and then prayed for me. She asked me if I had ever thought about healing people, and I said yes a few months back I wished I could heal peoples hurts....she said that she saw me healing people and to, get this.....not change my personality because it was my personality that could bring people to God....even more people than her! WHAT?! More people than HER? This lady travels the world sharing the Gospel....how would I EVER heal more people than her?! She also said and I feel the need to lift all this guilt and shame from you that you carry....my eyes flew opened and I just smiled....I was being set free at this very moment. She asked God to take it away like the wind or something and she blew on me and I felt like Keanu Reeves in The Matrix.....I bent over backward ( I'm absolutely sure it felt like I was bent way back, but I know I wasn't as my body doesn't bend like that anymore...HAHAHA)...but it felt like I bent like a pretzel. I had to sit before I fell over and was glad I did because waves of joy flooded ALL over me.....Again, I started to smile and couldn't stop. We had a break and ALL I could think was NOOOOO, I don't want a break, I want more more more!!!!!! After break, I grinned and smiled and cried through the rest of her message.....I was SO flooded with happiness and felt free, honestly, for the first time in my LIFE!!!!! I told Kevin about it afterwards and he said Yaaaaaaay. That was the extent of his excitement, but I didn't care.....I was changed....changed forever.
Sunday night.....I couldn't WAIT for Sunday night.....her last night. I wanted everything I could suck up. Her message: AMAZING, AWESOME, OUTSTANDING, POWERFUL, etc etc...ALL good things. At the end, Kev wanted to go up for prayer.....I went up with him....while we were waiting, I just prayed for the small things that have held me back in the past....I prayed for courage, I prayed for direction for the future, and I prayed for an ARMY of angels to surround me and keep me protected until satan gave up....she prayed for Kev and then came to me....she held my hands and said "Anoint these healing hands....bless these healing hands" I, again, felt like my feet had left the floor....awesome stuff. Later, Kev told me that he was going to be prosperous.....that it would just hit him one day and he would become prosperous. All my dreams came true in the course of a week......you can't get the smile off of my face or the bounce out of my step.....God is awesome....'nuf said!!!!!!! I am no longer afraid to step out and do the things I feel led to do. I no longer feel the need to be the best, because I am okay with the fact that someone will ALWYAS be better, and that's okay. I'm gonna go up and sing with the worship team, lnowing that God says I have a right to be there because it is ALL for Him.....I am free.....truly, truly free....Amen!

Challenging Myself to Step Out on a Limb

I decided early this year to step out on a limb and do more things for myself. I have a few talents that I really need to nourish and grow and actually do something with. I chose to put my fears aside and like Nike....JUST DO IT! I have pretty much had ANY artistic ability I had growing up completely squelched or made fun of. No matter WHAT I did, I knew that going into law, becoming a doctor, an accountant, architecture or any of those other well paying jobs would never happen for me. Not because I'm not intelligent enough, but because I had/have NO desire to be involved in the pressures of those types of jobs. I have always had artistic talent in pretty much ANYTHING artistic......dancing, singing, acting, writing, drawing, crafting, sewing, crocheting, knitting, photography, playing instruments....if it is artistic, I am wholeheartedly, completely, fully into it. And it's funny, because if you want to pursue anything in the professional art world, it is probably as much pressure or more so than the other types of jobs....but hey, that's my gift.
So, I challenged myself this year to do more in the way of improving upon the artistic "me". I sit at home day after day, with no friends to hang with, out of my home country and do nothing. The things I look forward to are my one day a week grocery shopping outing, and my one day a week physie class. Sad, I know, but it's all I have. My husband is painfully shy and HATES crowds and people, so any kind of couples activities are strictly OUT. Which has often made me wonder why God placed me with him. Now, after almost 7 years, I think I know. I'm stuck at home, but it's here where I can actually embrace my artistic side and DO the things I love so much!!!!!! So, I'm embracing every possible realm of the arts I can......I am now writing my first novel, I've finished my first painting class, I take a dance type class, I am getting voice lessons, I sew, I am obssessed with photography, and I am teaching myself the keyboard....AGAIN. I would like to approach some authors about blogging about their books, too. I have to get more followers of this blog, though before I would feel comfortable doing that. This is my second blog site.....the first one I felt like I needed to shut down because I had a few creepy blog stalkers and the blog site wouldn't do anything about them. So I am hoping the creepy cyber stalkers won't find me here....heheheehe.
I am ready to find the thing or things that I can spend the rest of my life doing.....So,ME, I am throwing down the gauntlet and issuing the challenge......DO the things that you've always been good at......get better at them....and use them for the glory of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After all, it was He who gave me the artistic gifts in the first place. I don't have my family to squelch the desires of my heart anymore.....I don't even have to tell them I'm doing this......I just need to DO it!!!!!