Challenging Myself to Step Out on a Limb

I decided early this year to step out on a limb and do more things for myself. I have a few talents that I really need to nourish and grow and actually do something with. I chose to put my fears aside and like Nike....JUST DO IT! I have pretty much had ANY artistic ability I had growing up completely squelched or made fun of. No matter WHAT I did, I knew that going into law, becoming a doctor, an accountant, architecture or any of those other well paying jobs would never happen for me. Not because I'm not intelligent enough, but because I had/have NO desire to be involved in the pressures of those types of jobs. I have always had artistic talent in pretty much ANYTHING artistic......dancing, singing, acting, writing, drawing, crafting, sewing, crocheting, knitting, photography, playing instruments....if it is artistic, I am wholeheartedly, completely, fully into it. And it's funny, because if you want to pursue anything in the professional art world, it is probably as much pressure or more so than the other types of jobs....but hey, that's my gift.
So, I challenged myself this year to do more in the way of improving upon the artistic "me". I sit at home day after day, with no friends to hang with, out of my home country and do nothing. The things I look forward to are my one day a week grocery shopping outing, and my one day a week physie class. Sad, I know, but it's all I have. My husband is painfully shy and HATES crowds and people, so any kind of couples activities are strictly OUT. Which has often made me wonder why God placed me with him. Now, after almost 7 years, I think I know. I'm stuck at home, but it's here where I can actually embrace my artistic side and DO the things I love so much!!!!!! So, I'm embracing every possible realm of the arts I can......I am now writing my first novel, I've finished my first painting class, I take a dance type class, I am getting voice lessons, I sew, I am obssessed with photography, and I am teaching myself the keyboard....AGAIN. I would like to approach some authors about blogging about their books, too. I have to get more followers of this blog, though before I would feel comfortable doing that. This is my second blog site.....the first one I felt like I needed to shut down because I had a few creepy blog stalkers and the blog site wouldn't do anything about them. So I am hoping the creepy cyber stalkers won't find me here....heheheehe.
I am ready to find the thing or things that I can spend the rest of my life doing.....So,ME, I am throwing down the gauntlet and issuing the challenge......DO the things that you've always been good at......get better at them....and use them for the glory of God!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! After all, it was He who gave me the artistic gifts in the first place. I don't have my family to squelch the desires of my heart anymore.....I don't even have to tell them I'm doing this......I just need to DO it!!!!!

What? Who, ME??????

I'm beginning to turn into THAT woman......yes, some of you know who I'm talking about. That woman who is a stay at home mama and LOVES her job, but is beginning to think that there is more to life than diaper duty, projectile vomiting, and cleaning up after everyone else. I am beginning to be the woman who wishes she could go out into the work force just so she can be around adults and have adult conversation that doesn't involve singing Wiggles songs around the clock. I'm becoming the woman that feels SO underappreciated, frumpy, underchallenged, depressed, grumpy, and unfulfilled. I'm the woman that is extraordinarily blessed, but yet doesn't understand why she feels so unhappy. I'm waking up on the wrong side of the bed so much that I wonder if there is still a "right" side of the bed. How does one snap out of this? What does a woman do when she wants a day off? Or two? Or ten!!!!! How can you explain to your un-understanding hubby that you need more.....more sleep, more hugs, more compliments, more help, more appreciation.....just more. Is it possible to actually get hubs to pick his flipping socks up off the floor??? Or his shirts? Pants? Undies? How do you make him understand that when he gives "mail" to the 2 and 4 yr olds that when they tear it up into tiny little pieces and you have bent over 1000 times to pick them up that he needs to FLIPPING STOP GIVING THEM PAPER!!!!!! I am becoming THAT woman......
I SO did not want to be that woman, either! I realize that real life isn't a fairy tale, don't get me wrong, I'm not TOTALLY deluded, I know that no one has the PERFECT life.....but is it wrong to expect common courtesy from thos you live with in your own home? How do you get kids to clean up after themselves without screaming yourself stupid at them? What do you do when time-outs, gentle spanks, time in the corner, removal of privileges, and being sent to your room doesn't work? I don't want to withdraw completely from my life but I sure feel like it. Nothing is appealing to me lately.....I just want to cry all the time. I know, I know.....depression.....
Don't get me wrong....I'm not that upset that I'm gonna drive my car off a cliff or anything, but dang.....I'm just a frustrated mama from Mississippi, living in Australia and needing a break!!!!! A break from hubby, a break from the kids....some time for me where I can curl up with a book, or my computer to work on my book, or sit on a deserted island with a gallon of double shot margaritas!!!!!! I want to be able to pull out my paints and canvas without also having to pull out the finger paints and THEN have to clean the mess up afterwards......I want to sit down to write and be able to actually concentrate, not have to keep interrupting my thoughts to wipe a snotty nose, get water or milk for someone, find something that's right in front of hubby's face......I want to be able to hop on my bike and go for what I now call a "mental health ride" and not have to helmet and strap 2 kids into the carriage behind the bike.....I want to finish some of the beautiful sewing projects I have started so I can wear some of these amazing clothes that are half finished and not have to wear clothes with holes in them.....I want to be able to go to the bathroom and have an uninterrupted shower or bubble bath.....I want to go out to the beach and take photos without having to leave my camera in the car because I have to watch 2 girls so they don't drown in the ocean.....
Am I being selfish here? Is ANYONE saying AMEN to ANY of this???? Because I'm here to tell you.....I'm A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!!!!!!!!!!!!
Gee, I feel better now that I have vented a bit......now I will go and kiss my three kids while they sleep, give hubby an extra snuggle tonight and go back and read this and go....WHAT? Who, ME?

Tired of it ALL

Okay.....y'all will have to forgive me for anything I might say that's offensive on this blog.....wait a second, this is MY blog, and I really don't care what ANYONE thinks because I am ANGRY!!!!! Angry as I can be!!!!! Don't get me wrong....I LOVE my family very much, but right now......I am seething mad at everyone in this house except the baby. And only NOT angry with her because she doesn't know better and she just wanted something that was taken from her. Okay....lemme re-cap my day.....woke up to the sound of the 3yr old absolutely tormenting the baby to the point where she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Which started my day off really bad because 1. I went to bed at 10:30, which is early for me, but didn't actually fall asleep until 1:30am for some reason. So, getting awakened at 5:45 am, didn't start Cyndi out in a very good mood. And 2. Because I hate being awakened for un-necessary things. So, I jump out of bed and break up the high-pitched squealing incident. I proceed to the kitchen where my son, who is not supposed to be out of bed until 6:30am at the earliest, is sitting on the couch watching a movie that was....well, a bit questionable. It was an R-rated one that he knows he isn't supposed to be watching. It had a lot of swearing in it, and he's been asked to not watch it. So, then I had to deal with that. Then, I make my way to the coffee machine, because I figure, if I have to be up at 5:45 for no reason, I'm gonna need some coffee...and FAST!!!!! So, I make the coffee...feed the kids breakfast, get them watching Hi-5 and other cartoons and I proceed to settle down to do some writing and play my fave FB games. So, my boy gets on the other computer, and of course, the teenager is still asleep and will be for many many more hours.....we'll get to him later.....
At this point, everything SEEMED to be okay at this point until the 3 yr old decides she wants something on the speaker where my hot coffee was....I'm sure you can guess what happened then.....yeah, she dumped it ALL over my arm and into my chair. I jumped up with my skin on fire and, surprisingly, screamed no obscenities.....I was very shocked and all I could think of was ripping my shirt off and getting this very hot coffee soaked shirt as far away from me as possible. Meanwhile, while I was in the bedroom changing and then going to put my shirt in the laundry, my 17 month old was in my make-up and covered in lipstick...my FAVORITE lipstick. And as she was doing this, my 11 and 3 yr old just sat there and did NOTHING!!!! I kind of don't expect the 3 yr old to do anything, but my 11 yr old should have at least TOLD me or tried to get the lipstick away from her....but he couldn't be bothered. About that time, my son's friends came over and wanted to play....which was fine with me....so he and his friend (and minutes later, his friends' brothers) are in the back room playing on the computer....which, again, I don't mind but the youngest one has NO intention of following our "house rules"....he does what he wants.....which means walking into my bedroom when I am changing, coming into the house without knocking, climbing on the windowsill and poking holes in the screens, going around to the back of the house if no one answers the door and peering through the windows and shouting for someone to and I quote "let me the hell IN"....this kid is like 5 years old too. He also just helps himself into the cupboards and every room in the house....even when asked to stay out of them. Anyway, everything SEEMS to be all well at this point....boys playing in the back, girls watching tv, me on the computer, teenager STILL sleeping. All of a sudden I hear AWWWWWWW COOL, and proceed to see ALL of my books being pulled off the shelf and thrown onto the floor so this little boy could get into my greeting card box where he could lick ALL of my envelopes. Enter a very MAD mother.....I asked my son to take the boys outside (it was around 10am at this point.....the boys go outside....yaaaaaay. Teenager wakes at 10:30 and rather than taking a shower, proceeds to spray an ENTIRE can of the nastiest, old man deodorant all over every inch of his body!!!!! Dear, heavens....my allergies!!!!!! Teenager proceeds to park himself on my couch and take over what hubby and I call the "grown-up" TV.....the kid TV is in the back, but this kid could care less....he does what he wants to, when he wants to with absolutely no concern for anyone else. I proceed to do several loads of laundry, the dishes, make the beds, general pick up....hubby comes home from work and I ask what he'd like for breakfast/lunch. He fixes his own breakfast, which I appreciated, but left a mess of fruit and yogurt all over the counter....I sigh and clean that mess, too. He parks himself on the couch and gets on his computer...which, I don't mind...he did just get off work and is entitled to have a rest...no worries. If you know my hubby, you know that I have to ask VERY early in the day what he wants for dinner because I'm a good cook, but a bad meal planner, so I need a little notice. So I ask him....darling, what would you like for dinner? I get the answer I expected.....WHATEVER. So, I'm thinking chicken of some sort. All I can think of is Buffalo chicken wings....they don't have those in Aussie land, and I often wish I could have them.....so, I hit the net to find a buffalo chicken sauce recipe. My mouth was watering as I read the recipe, as it is as I am writing this. So, I said mmmmmm buffalo chicken.....well, I didn't get the response I was hoping for, so I searched for chicken stew or something with rice, which also sounded good. Anyway, kids are asking for treats (we had none), so I said I'd make something yummy for after dinner dessert. They all wanted to know what I was making....I said SECRET, which started my kids a-begging as to what I would make. I SO miss Reese's Peanut Butter cups, so I wanted something peanut buttery and chocolatey.....mmmmmmmm I decided I was going to attempt to make chocolate cupcakes with a gooey peanut butter center. So, I got lucky and my hubby ended up making dinner because he didn't think my recipe I had picked would turn out very good....as per usual.....this is the man that does EVERYTHING right, makes NO mistakes, and ALWAYS criticizes people who don't do things the way HE thinks they should. So, it's only natural that I would mess up something simple like chicken stew.....
So I proceed to fold all the laundry while he's cooking dinner, keep the girls entertained, work around teenager who is STILL parked on the couch watching tv, and 11 yr old who has just come in demanding something to eat because he had skipped all his meals because playing was more important. He got told to wait. Hubby gets dinner served and we sit down to eat and I get hounded again about what dessert I will make. I don't like telling anyone what I'm making because if they don't like it, they will complain and gripe about it until I either make nothing at all, which means that the non complainers get punished because of a bad seed. And then everyone else is in a rotten mood because they don't get a treat because of the complainer. So, after dinner, teenager goes back to the couch, 11 yr old goes to his room to play, and I asked for the older three (hubby, teenager, and 11 yr old) to please keep the girls out of the kitchen so I could get this done with no stress. Did that happen......NO, not even a LITTLE bit! I asked teenager to stay out of the kitchen as well, but he marches right in and reads the recipe so he could go and tell everyone what I was making, ruining the surprise I SO wanted to deliver to my family who I love so much.....so that really made me mad! THEN, the girls, being unwatched as asked, wandered into the kitchen and wanted to lick the beaters....I was going to need them again ASAP, but because hubby said awwwwww, just let them lick a beater, I did. Well 3 yr old had no problem giving it back when I needed it back, but 17 month old...oh dear heavens, screamed like a banshee, because for all she knew, mama was taking her treat away from her. SO she stood next to me and screamed and screamed and screamed......and SCREAMED. Where is hubby? On the computer. Where is teenager? On his ass watching TV....STILL!!!! Where is 11 yr old? Playing video games. So I said SCREW this ( sorry, Mama), threw the bowls in the sink and said I'm not doing this. Then I proceeded to get verbally attacked from 3 yr old, 11 yr old, teenager, and husband because now they weren't getting their peanut butter chocolate cupcakes.....they ALL jumped up and offered to help with the baby, but I was FED UP! I had NO intention of going back to the kitchen and making ANYTHING for those ungrateful JERKS. They should have helped me the FIRST freaking time!!!!!!!! After all, 11 yr old did nothing but play all day while I did his laundry, washed his dishes, and picked up, and attempted a nice dessert for him....teenager, who has GOT to be the laziest person ( other than his mother) on this whole earth, slept until 10:30, watched movies and played on the computer all day. Why? Oh, why could no one just helped out while I made THEM a treat? I mean can someone not get off their butt just to play with the baby for about 20 minutes while I whipped up the stinking cupcakes???? I gave up cooking Buffalo chicken because the idea didn't sound good to his highness and the prince (hubby and his son).....and then I have to give up the peanut butter and chocolate dessert that I SO craved, too because I had to hold a screaming baby. Then I get attitude from hubby for being mad....this is an every day occurrence for me and I am stinking SICK TO DEATH OF IT!!!!!! Tell me, folks....am I wrong to be angry and feel unappreciated? I honestly wouldn't care if this only happened once in a while but this is EVERY day now......Okay, venting over.....time to chill out and see if I can get over this.....

2010....good year, bad year? YOU decide for yourself!

As 2009 closes, I reflect back on the last year....I accomplished several things I really wanted to......some things that I also really wanted to do, didn't happen. But as I am really trying to be positive about the things that didn't happen, it still makes me sad. I hoped to really find some people here in my town, or near my town that I could grow closer to. I am having a horrible time finding someone who I connect with, who I can trust and who likes some of the same things as me. I MISS terribly all my friends back in America. I don't hate Australia, I actually love it here, but I am very lonely for girlfriends. I hope this year will be the year I find some close friends. I accomplished a healthier eating style, which I truly needed....although at times, I really, REALLY don't like it. But I am doing it all the same. I accomplished a lot, sewing-wise. I learned SO many new things and have made several outfits for myself and my girls, as well as helped with costuming with the show I did. I am VERY interested in photography right now and this year would really like to study the craft a LOT more. I'm hoping to take some classes and get better at it. I grew as a mama, which I needed to do. I learned to be more patient, more accepting, and more of a stick to your guns parent, too. I will still be working on getting better at this quality THIS year too. I learned a lot about other people....the kind I'd like to become more like, and more impotantly, the kind I want to avoid totally. I've learned to try and find the good in others at all times. Surely EVERYONE has SOME good in them, even if you have to dig WAY deep to find it. I've learned not to give up on my dreams.....some of them I know I will probably never accomplish, but I will still try. I've learned not to give up on people....they are worth fighting for....Jesus fought for me, and for the people I don't like, so I will keep on trying to love the unloveable. I realized last year that my BS meter is now REALLY low. I don't have time for any more drama, back stabbing, gossip, meanness, intimidation, or anything from anyone! I refuse to stand idly by when someone is being done wrong or unjustly talked about or gossiped about. I know I can't right ALL the wrongs I see and hear, but the ones in my teeny corner of the world I will do my best to make right. Positivity is going to be HUGE in my life this year.....I used to be Nancy Negative in EVERY situation.....about 10 yrs ago, I realized it wasn't working for me, so I made a decision to change it. I did, but it seems that ol' Nancy has eeked her way back in this year and I have decided NO MORE. I hate negativity, and I want no part of it, ANYMORE! So I'm putting on my positive panties here. I think and hope that at the end of this year, I will have HUGE accomplishments and goals met because of the positive thinking and acting. So goodbye 2009, it was a decent year, but I want SPECTACULR.....so bring it on!

Santa's been....and gone and I'M exhausted!

I just sat down here on this Christmas Day evening and I am exhausted! We were up at 7 am which was surprising because the older two went to bed SO excited about opening presents. I figured they'd be up at daylight! Anyway, this is the first Christmas where Gracie knew ( for the most part) what was going on. It was fun to watch her eyes and face as she opened up presents from Mama and Daddy and Santa. She got a trike and was really excited. She also got a Fur Real friend cat and was completely over the moon about it. She giggled and laughed and was totally cute. She kept saying "Oh THANK you Santa, thank you!" And she looked at me and said very dramatically....thank you Mothah....STILL not sure where she got the Mother from...LOL....but said with a VERY English accent....cute cute cute! Charley....well, she wasn't very sure what in the world was going on. And as most babies do, she was way more interested in the wrapping paper and boxes. But she DID squeal a bit at her few toys she got. It is SO fun to watch my kids at Christmas! I remember the joy I used to feel and the excitement of everything.....We did it really small this year because of finances as well as the fact that we want the kids to appreciate Christmas for the REAL reasons...Jesus!!!! I didn't grow up going to church...and to me, Christmas was ALL gimme, gimme, gimme....but I have ALWAYS loved giving gifts too. I LOVE to make or buy something for family and/or friends and watch them open it up and see the happiness on their face. I really try to be thoughtful in my gift giving, so as not to have the dreaded occurrence of re-gifting....or returning and exchanging. Anyway, I wanted the kids to have the apppreciation for a few nice gifts as opposed to TONS and TONS of stuff. My sons like their gifts too....and I LOVED mine. I got a lounge chair and some perfume and a season of Will and Grace.....SCORE! Sadly, my Honda Jazz was no where to be found....Santa must have forgotten that. But all in all, it was a nice day and as I am about to fall over from exhaustion, I will wrap this up...no pun intended. Merry Christmas to you and yours! God Bless

Whew! I'm through!

I just finished with 19 shows at the local theatre here in my town. I think I have decided I am finished with this particular group of people.....why? you ask.....well, I realize when you are dealing with any bit of the entertainment industry, you can run into some serious ego problems, but in saying that, I have found in the past, that the egos are USUALLY associated with the professional entertainment part of it, not the amateur part.....sheeesh. I LOVE most of the people within that group, but my heavens, the few with the MONSTER egos really, REALLY ruin it for me, and for a lot of the others. They seem to walk around with this AMAZING attitude of I AM BETTER THAN YOU, SO GET THE @#$% OUT OF MY WAY!!!! I think it bothers me so much because of the town I grew up in and it's snobbish ways. As I have said before, I HATE snobby people with a passion. People who are rude, snobbish, deliberately intimidating, nasty, back-stabbing, shallow, superficial people have no place in my world. I go out of my way to avoid them. I am a person who tries to find the good in everyone.....I firmly believe that there is good in everyone, BUT, people like that, I don't even try with anymore. I spent a lifetime trying to get folks like that to look for the good in me and there were no takers. So therefore, I decided a few years ago, that I would pray for those people....the ones in my past as well as the ones in my present and future.....I WILL NOT hang out with them, or try to be friends, I will just pray for them and their egos. I pray that they don't destruct others on their path of amateur theatre stardom.....and I will pray for those they hurt, even when I wish they'd go fall off the wall by the river ( sorry, God). I don't really wish that, but hey, I REALLY have a HUGE problem with people that have to belittle others to make themselves feel better. I REALLY want to do this musical next year, and hopefully I will want to audition by then, but as of right now, I am DONE with it.
I was really treated very nastily by a few people this show, as were some others. I just kind of vented to a friend about it and let it go, then this same "person" went off on me again and reminded me who she was. I just said oh sorry, MY BAD, then walked away again. When it happened the third time, I said wait there, Miss, I DO NOT deserve to be spoken to that way.....I really don't CARE who you are, you will not speak to me that way. She walked away shocked and went and told all her other cronies that I was rude to her. Funnily enough, the other cronies are as egotistical as her and were glad she got put in her place, so they just said get over it ( insert Wench's name here ). When she popped off the next time, she was doing it what she THOUGHT was behind my back, but I was just within earshot as I was changing into my next costume, and she was telling a complete lie. I poked my head out from behind the costumes and just smiled and said....Gee, (insert name here), you sure got THAT story very wrong, now, didn't ya? She turned beet red, and started with the uh, um, yeah, err, umms.....SHE as well as the person she was telling the non-truths to, knew she got busted hard! So, it was actually nice to see her fall down off that pedestal, and got herself busted for lying and meanness.....now the other divas are wary. So yaaaaaay me, I sat back, I didn't say anything nasty back to her, I defended myself kindly, and then busted her lies......whiiiiiiiiiistle, SPLAT.....off the pedestal, she goes.....and I kept my integrity, and held my tongue so as not to stoop to her level.
The only bad thing about this, is it is really robbing me of my favorite thing, and that is being onstage......I just don't like being around people who use others to make them feel better about themselves. We shall see what happens......

Fearing the unknown

How do you put fears aside? How can you get past them and move on? I SO wish I knew the answer to this. After a lifetime of criticism and being told I couldn't do things, I live a life of fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of rejection......how am I supposed to lay aside those fears and do the things that God and my heart are telling me to do? I know, I know.....just give it to God and ask for strength. But I don't even believe in myself.....I DO believe in my ideas, which I think is a start. But pushing past the fears and putting stuff into action is another story totally. I have this block, I suppose, that if no one has ever believed in me, how can God possibly believe in me? I know He does, but someone tell me how I can drop this? I could probably already be a millionaire if I only took even half of the ideas I have and put them into place. I am smart, I am discerning (most of the time, anyway ), I am way creative, and I LOVE to learn....isn't that a good start for a recipe of success?! But how can I just let go of the stupid fear. I KNOW that not everyone is going to like me, or admire me, or agree with me, and honestly, I am pretty okay with that, BUT hearing rejecting words or crticism can shut me down instantly and make me run SO far from what I am trying to do, never to return...or possibly return but WAY down the line. Weird because ALL the avenues I am the strongest in revolve around criticism....people liking what you do, or NOT. I plead with the Almighty Savior to give me the strength I need to push me past this feeling of inadequacy and move me into the world of confidence......of no fear.....of success. People who criticise me.....go to.....ummmmm, well....I won't stoop to your level....Bless you, please find a life where your very being doesn't revolve around making others feel bad....because somehow, some way, I WILL get past this, and all I can say is WATCH OUT, MAN!!!!!!! Your over-inflated ego is gonna get popped when I come flying past you, and it will be a joy for me to watch you splatter onto the ground when you fall off your precious pedestal that you have placed yourself on......geez, I'm gonna go now and find some strength to conquer this fear......belle down unda, out!