Santa's been....and gone and I'M exhausted!

I just sat down here on this Christmas Day evening and I am exhausted! We were up at 7 am which was surprising because the older two went to bed SO excited about opening presents. I figured they'd be up at daylight! Anyway, this is the first Christmas where Gracie knew ( for the most part) what was going on. It was fun to watch her eyes and face as she opened up presents from Mama and Daddy and Santa. She got a trike and was really excited. She also got a Fur Real friend cat and was completely over the moon about it. She giggled and laughed and was totally cute. She kept saying "Oh THANK you Santa, thank you!" And she looked at me and said very dramatically....thank you Mothah....STILL not sure where she got the Mother from...LOL....but said with a VERY English accent....cute cute cute! Charley....well, she wasn't very sure what in the world was going on. And as most babies do, she was way more interested in the wrapping paper and boxes. But she DID squeal a bit at her few toys she got. It is SO fun to watch my kids at Christmas! I remember the joy I used to feel and the excitement of everything.....We did it really small this year because of finances as well as the fact that we want the kids to appreciate Christmas for the REAL reasons...Jesus!!!! I didn't grow up going to church...and to me, Christmas was ALL gimme, gimme, gimme....but I have ALWAYS loved giving gifts too. I LOVE to make or buy something for family and/or friends and watch them open it up and see the happiness on their face. I really try to be thoughtful in my gift giving, so as not to have the dreaded occurrence of re-gifting....or returning and exchanging. Anyway, I wanted the kids to have the apppreciation for a few nice gifts as opposed to TONS and TONS of stuff. My sons like their gifts too....and I LOVED mine. I got a lounge chair and some perfume and a season of Will and Grace.....SCORE! Sadly, my Honda Jazz was no where to be found....Santa must have forgotten that. But all in all, it was a nice day and as I am about to fall over from exhaustion, I will wrap this up...no pun intended. Merry Christmas to you and yours! God Bless

Whew! I'm through!

I just finished with 19 shows at the local theatre here in my town. I think I have decided I am finished with this particular group of people.....why? you ask.....well, I realize when you are dealing with any bit of the entertainment industry, you can run into some serious ego problems, but in saying that, I have found in the past, that the egos are USUALLY associated with the professional entertainment part of it, not the amateur part.....sheeesh. I LOVE most of the people within that group, but my heavens, the few with the MONSTER egos really, REALLY ruin it for me, and for a lot of the others. They seem to walk around with this AMAZING attitude of I AM BETTER THAN YOU, SO GET THE @#$% OUT OF MY WAY!!!! I think it bothers me so much because of the town I grew up in and it's snobbish ways. As I have said before, I HATE snobby people with a passion. People who are rude, snobbish, deliberately intimidating, nasty, back-stabbing, shallow, superficial people have no place in my world. I go out of my way to avoid them. I am a person who tries to find the good in everyone.....I firmly believe that there is good in everyone, BUT, people like that, I don't even try with anymore. I spent a lifetime trying to get folks like that to look for the good in me and there were no takers. So therefore, I decided a few years ago, that I would pray for those people....the ones in my past as well as the ones in my present and future.....I WILL NOT hang out with them, or try to be friends, I will just pray for them and their egos. I pray that they don't destruct others on their path of amateur theatre stardom.....and I will pray for those they hurt, even when I wish they'd go fall off the wall by the river ( sorry, God). I don't really wish that, but hey, I REALLY have a HUGE problem with people that have to belittle others to make themselves feel better. I REALLY want to do this musical next year, and hopefully I will want to audition by then, but as of right now, I am DONE with it.
I was really treated very nastily by a few people this show, as were some others. I just kind of vented to a friend about it and let it go, then this same "person" went off on me again and reminded me who she was. I just said oh sorry, MY BAD, then walked away again. When it happened the third time, I said wait there, Miss, I DO NOT deserve to be spoken to that way.....I really don't CARE who you are, you will not speak to me that way. She walked away shocked and went and told all her other cronies that I was rude to her. Funnily enough, the other cronies are as egotistical as her and were glad she got put in her place, so they just said get over it ( insert Wench's name here ). When she popped off the next time, she was doing it what she THOUGHT was behind my back, but I was just within earshot as I was changing into my next costume, and she was telling a complete lie. I poked my head out from behind the costumes and just smiled and said....Gee, (insert name here), you sure got THAT story very wrong, now, didn't ya? She turned beet red, and started with the uh, um, yeah, err, umms.....SHE as well as the person she was telling the non-truths to, knew she got busted hard! So, it was actually nice to see her fall down off that pedestal, and got herself busted for lying and meanness.....now the other divas are wary. So yaaaaaay me, I sat back, I didn't say anything nasty back to her, I defended myself kindly, and then busted her lies......whiiiiiiiiiistle, SPLAT.....off the pedestal, she goes.....and I kept my integrity, and held my tongue so as not to stoop to her level.
The only bad thing about this, is it is really robbing me of my favorite thing, and that is being onstage......I just don't like being around people who use others to make them feel better about themselves. We shall see what happens......

Fearing the unknown

How do you put fears aside? How can you get past them and move on? I SO wish I knew the answer to this. After a lifetime of criticism and being told I couldn't do things, I live a life of fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of rejection......how am I supposed to lay aside those fears and do the things that God and my heart are telling me to do? I know, I know.....just give it to God and ask for strength. But I don't even believe in myself.....I DO believe in my ideas, which I think is a start. But pushing past the fears and putting stuff into action is another story totally. I have this block, I suppose, that if no one has ever believed in me, how can God possibly believe in me? I know He does, but someone tell me how I can drop this? I could probably already be a millionaire if I only took even half of the ideas I have and put them into place. I am smart, I am discerning (most of the time, anyway ), I am way creative, and I LOVE to learn....isn't that a good start for a recipe of success?! But how can I just let go of the stupid fear. I KNOW that not everyone is going to like me, or admire me, or agree with me, and honestly, I am pretty okay with that, BUT hearing rejecting words or crticism can shut me down instantly and make me run SO far from what I am trying to do, never to return...or possibly return but WAY down the line. Weird because ALL the avenues I am the strongest in revolve around criticism....people liking what you do, or NOT. I plead with the Almighty Savior to give me the strength I need to push me past this feeling of inadequacy and move me into the world of confidence......of no fear.....of success. People who criticise me.....go to.....ummmmm, well....I won't stoop to your level....Bless you, please find a life where your very being doesn't revolve around making others feel bad....because somehow, some way, I WILL get past this, and all I can say is WATCH OUT, MAN!!!!!!! Your over-inflated ego is gonna get popped when I come flying past you, and it will be a joy for me to watch you splatter onto the ground when you fall off your precious pedestal that you have placed yourself on......geez, I'm gonna go now and find some strength to conquer this fear......belle down unda, out!

I can't remember where I found this, but I thought it was REALLY cool.....hope you enjoy as much as I did!!!

You always hear the usual stories of pennies on the sidewalk being good luck, gifts from angels, etc. This is the first time I've ever heard this twist on the story. Gives you something to think about. Several years ago, a friend of mine and her husband were invited to spend the weekend at the home of her husband's employer. My friend, Arlene, was nervous about the weekend. The boss was very wealthy, with a fine home on the waterway, and cars costing more than her house.. The first day and evening went well, and Arlene was delighted to have this rare glimpse into how the very wealthy live. Her husband's employer was quite generous as a host, and took them to the finest restaurants. Arlene knew she would never have the opportunity to indulge in this kind of extravagance again, so was enjoying herself immensely. As the three of them were about to enter an exclusive restaurant one evening, the boss was walking slightly ahead of Arlene and her husband. He stopped suddenly, looking down on the pavement for a long, silent moment. Arlene wondered if she was supposed to pass him. There was nothing on the ground except a single darkened penny that someone had dropped, and a few cigarette butts. Still silent, the man reached down and picked up the penny. He held it up and smiled, then put it in his pocket as if he had found a great treasure. How absurd! What need did this man have for a single penny? Why would he even take the time to stop and pick it up? Throughout dinner, the entire scene nagged at her. Finally, she could stand it no longer.. She casually mentioned that her daughter once had a coin collection, and asked if the penny he had found had been of some value. A smile crept across the man's face as he reached into his pocket for the penny and held it out for her to see. She had seen many pennies before! What was the point of this? "Look at it," he said. "Read what it says." She read the words, " United States of America ." "No, not that. Read further." "One cent?" "No, keep reading." "In God we Trust?" "Yes!" "And?. .. ." "And if I trust in God, the name of God is holy, even on a coin. Whenever I find a coin, I see that inscription. It is written on every single United States coin, but we never seem to notice it! God drops a message right in front of me telling me to trust Him. Who am I to pass it by? When I see a coin, I pray. I stop to see if my trust IS in God at that moment. I pick the coin up as a response to God; that I do trust in Him. For a short time, at least, I cherish it as if it were gold. I think it is God's way of starting a conversation with me. Lucky for me, God is patient and pennies are plentiful!" When I was out shopping today, I found a penny on the sidewalk. I stopped and picked it up, and realized that I had been worrying and fretting in my mind about things I cannot change. I read the words, "In God We Trust," and had to laugh. "Yes, God, I get the message!" It seems that I have been finding an inordinate number of pennies in the last few months, but then, pennies are plentiful! And, God is patient.

Criticism SUCKS

Geez.....how can people walk around criticizing others so much?! I have been a victim of harsh criticism ALL my life and I have to say, I AM BLOODY WELL SICK OF IT!!!!!! I grew up in a very critical family......2 beautiful sisters who I looked up to who thought I should be just like them......therefore, they criticized when I wasn't.....not enough make-up, too much make-up, not fashionable enough clothes, gee, you look fat in that, don't do it THIS way, do it MY way, you can't do that, you're not talented enough, don't major in that, you aren't smart enough, you don't have what it takes to do whatever it is you want to do......and that was just my family growing up. I am glad I woke up to the fact that being me isn't all that bad, but sadly, it was too late to not have a complex....a BIG one. I have suffered from extraordinarily low self esteem my whole life.....and I THINK (keep in mind, I'm no psychologist ), that it has contributed to the fact that in most cases I am afraid to finish things. I am SO stinkin' scared that someone, somewhere is going to tell me it is substandard, or crappy, or looks bad, or whatever negative things they could possibly say. I am TIRED of being crushed all the time....tired of people thinking I can't do things before I even start them. I tell myself day in and day out that I CAN if I want to but dammit, I think don't do it, finish it, then you won't have anyone to tell you you did a bad job. Have I got issues or what?????? LOL Funnily enough, on stage is where I feel most comfortable.....maybe because I am stepping outside myself and being someone else....I've never been afraid of public speaking auditioning, singing in front of others, dancing in front of others, whatever....but once I am off the stage I freak out......I don't like criticism.....why? Because most people don't know how to do it right. You CAN criticize without crushing someone's spirit......without totally bursting their bubble.....it has happened to me before, so I KNOW it can be done. It can be done in a way that you don't even know you're being criticized....because there is love behind it, there is respect behind it, the person has your best interest at heart, etc. As I am going on this quest to find me, I am going to make it my goal not to criticize anymore.....unless there is love and kindness and that person's best interest at heart. I don't want to EVER make someone feel like they are nothing.....I don't know if I will ever feel like I am someone, but I can make sure my friends and kids and hubby don't feel like they are nothing to me. I want to be the friend/mama/wife that will affirm, not crush. Not that I have ever been a big criticizer, but I am making it a point to not do that.....EVER. I have always tried to encourage people in their endeavors without gushing over them. I don't know if you have read the Love Languages book, but guess, what???? I am a words of affirmation person......gifts are nice, physical touch is great, acts of service are cool, quality time is good too, but I need to know you love me, are proud of me, that I did a good job, etc. Take the bloody time, people, to find out what really makes the people you love feel the best and DO IT! And to all the criticizers out there.......STUFF OFF, and keep your harshness away from me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Stop banging your gavel at me!

Another week, another story to tell.....sad, actuallly, because it's professed Christian people it is about. You know, I understand with people like these, why non-believers have NO intention of following Christ or even wanting to know more about Him. Okay, now I know, that at times, I have probably judged people unfairly....either out in the open or just in my mind, but when I am wrong, I will say I'm wrong. Before I became a Christian, I had a lot of these gavel bangers telling me how I "should" be living my life....what I was doing wrong, how I should do things THIS way. I realize that when I was "in the world", I was wild and there were a LOT of things I should have been doing differently. I shouldn't have been drinking so much, I shouldn't have been having sex outside of marriage, I shouldn't have been the person so full of hate that I was. But you couldn't have told me that then. I have always been a bit on the stubborn side....I do things on my OWN time. I don't like being pushed into something that I haven't researched or been ready for to begin with. I have always kind of danced to the tune of a different drummer....and I like that. But there are so many people that think...hey man, I believe it, so you should, too....I do it, so you should too. NO NO NO!!!!!
Some background.....current situation....there's a girl at church who has been raised in a Christian home.....she's a nice and beautiful girl, but she has taken a bit of a turn towards the world....away from the world she was raised in. I won't say what she's doing because it isn't my place and I would hate for her to think I thought ill of her. Well, people are absolutely crucifying her...poor darling. Sadly, it's two of the leaders in the church. We ALL realize that what she is doing isn't right, but it ISN'T our right to go and judge her for it. She's young and testing out the waters. We would ALL like for her to return to Jesus and let HIM give her what she feels she is missing and going to seek, but hey, I have learned that people need to make their own mistakes. How will they ever learn to make wise choices, if they don't make mistakes once in a while? All I am doing is praying that she will return to her home...with her family and with Jesus.....I won't judge her for it. "Those kind" of Christians were the reason I never wanted anything to do with God until I was in my late 20's. I grew up in a town FULL of people who judged you for whatever reason and I have to say I think it stinks!!!!! I knew/know a lot of people who were/are true Christian in every sense of the word. They were the same at home alone as they were in public. They radiated love and kindness and so many awesome Christian qualities. They accepted people lock, stock and barrel.....no questions! They never tried to shove Jesus down people's throats. They just have this....aura (for lack of a better word)....of love and joy. THOSE were the kinds that eventually drew me in. They KNEW I was in utter hell in my life at that point, they knew I was making horrible choices, they knew I was really mentally screwed up, but they never ever said anything to me about it. They just loved me and invited me to church functions. They let me see for myself, on my own time, what God was really all about. They NEVER judged me...and I thank them for that.
So my issue is this....we, as Christian people, should stop trying to tell everyone what they should do. I don't like to be bossed around, so my mission is to not boss others. Just love them as they are, even if their choices are making you cringe and you KNOW they will be leading themselves into destruction. Pray for them, be there for them, show them Christ's love by not judging them, as He doesn't judge us....invite them to a non churchy church function....a barbecue or something....just love them. STOP banging your gavel at people....me included....I've made horrid mistakes in my life and received HUGE amounts of judgement and I resented that for a long time...in some ways I still do. I realize that these folks wanted me to have the peace and freedom that you can only get through God's love, but by dang, you aren't lily white!!!!! You make mistakes, too....shake your finger at yourself in the mirror, first, before you shake your finger at me....or at ANYONE. And until God sends me the memo that He is turning the gavel over to you....stop banging your gavel at me!!!!!!!!

A place to vent

I have been looking for a place to vent my feelings, frustrations, share funny stories, share my faith, and read other people's stuff, too. I enjoy writing about things that I am involved in, have been involved in or WANT to be involved in. I need a place where I can be 100% totally me, and not care the consequences of who thinks what about me.....sorry, Mama. I am under construction, so to speak, in my life right now and I am trying to change a lot of things, so I may totally be contradictive (is that even a word?) in what I say now and what I may say tomorrow, so be prepared. Feel free to comment, add your opinion, praise me or flog me.....whatever you like. I try my very best not to be offensive to people, but I also need and want to be a person that can freely speak their mind, so forgive me from the start if I say something you don't agree with. I am trying to find myself right now.....what I want in life, what God wants for my life, and how to be whatever God and me want.....and right now....I haven't the slightest clue. So bear with me and my idiosyncracies, typos, anger, laughter, venting, or whatever else you may read. I think right now my motto is I'M A DONKEY ON THE EDGE!!!!!!!! Yes, I love Shrek...hee hee I also tend to be talking about something and ramble off onto something else....I think that would be the fact that I just found out I have ADD....so bear with me on my unorganized thoughts. Are y'all tired yet?????? I hope you will laugh with me, cry with me, agree with me, disagree with me (kindly, please), and have fun with me on my journey to self discovery......woooooo hooooo....let's get started!!!