Santa's been....and gone and I'M exhausted!

I just sat down here on this Christmas Day evening and I am exhausted! We were up at 7 am which was surprising because the older two went to bed SO excited about opening presents. I figured they'd be up at daylight! Anyway, this is the first Christmas where Gracie knew ( for the most part) what was going on. It was fun to watch her eyes and face as she opened up presents from Mama and Daddy and Santa. She got a trike and was really excited. She also got a Fur Real friend cat and was completely over the moon about it. She giggled and laughed and was totally cute. She kept saying "Oh THANK you Santa, thank you!" And she looked at me and said very dramatically....thank you Mothah....STILL not sure where she got the Mother from...LOL....but said with a VERY English accent....cute cute cute! Charley....well, she wasn't very sure what in the world was going on. And as most babies do, she was way more interested in the wrapping paper and boxes. But she DID squeal a bit at her few toys she got. It is SO fun to watch my kids at Christmas! I remember the joy I used to feel and the excitement of everything.....We did it really small this year because of finances as well as the fact that we want the kids to appreciate Christmas for the REAL reasons...Jesus!!!! I didn't grow up going to church...and to me, Christmas was ALL gimme, gimme, gimme....but I have ALWAYS loved giving gifts too. I LOVE to make or buy something for family and/or friends and watch them open it up and see the happiness on their face. I really try to be thoughtful in my gift giving, so as not to have the dreaded occurrence of re-gifting....or returning and exchanging. Anyway, I wanted the kids to have the apppreciation for a few nice gifts as opposed to TONS and TONS of stuff. My sons like their gifts too....and I LOVED mine. I got a lounge chair and some perfume and a season of Will and Grace.....SCORE! Sadly, my Honda Jazz was no where to be found....Santa must have forgotten that. But all in all, it was a nice day and as I am about to fall over from exhaustion, I will wrap this up...no pun intended. Merry Christmas to you and yours! God Bless

Whew! I'm through!

I just finished with 19 shows at the local theatre here in my town. I think I have decided I am finished with this particular group of people.....why? you ask.....well, I realize when you are dealing with any bit of the entertainment industry, you can run into some serious ego problems, but in saying that, I have found in the past, that the egos are USUALLY associated with the professional entertainment part of it, not the amateur part.....sheeesh. I LOVE most of the people within that group, but my heavens, the few with the MONSTER egos really, REALLY ruin it for me, and for a lot of the others. They seem to walk around with this AMAZING attitude of I AM BETTER THAN YOU, SO GET THE @#$% OUT OF MY WAY!!!! I think it bothers me so much because of the town I grew up in and it's snobbish ways. As I have said before, I HATE snobby people with a passion. People who are rude, snobbish, deliberately intimidating, nasty, back-stabbing, shallow, superficial people have no place in my world. I go out of my way to avoid them. I am a person who tries to find the good in everyone.....I firmly believe that there is good in everyone, BUT, people like that, I don't even try with anymore. I spent a lifetime trying to get folks like that to look for the good in me and there were no takers. So therefore, I decided a few years ago, that I would pray for those people....the ones in my past as well as the ones in my present and future.....I WILL NOT hang out with them, or try to be friends, I will just pray for them and their egos. I pray that they don't destruct others on their path of amateur theatre stardom.....and I will pray for those they hurt, even when I wish they'd go fall off the wall by the river ( sorry, God). I don't really wish that, but hey, I REALLY have a HUGE problem with people that have to belittle others to make themselves feel better. I REALLY want to do this musical next year, and hopefully I will want to audition by then, but as of right now, I am DONE with it.
I was really treated very nastily by a few people this show, as were some others. I just kind of vented to a friend about it and let it go, then this same "person" went off on me again and reminded me who she was. I just said oh sorry, MY BAD, then walked away again. When it happened the third time, I said wait there, Miss, I DO NOT deserve to be spoken to that way.....I really don't CARE who you are, you will not speak to me that way. She walked away shocked and went and told all her other cronies that I was rude to her. Funnily enough, the other cronies are as egotistical as her and were glad she got put in her place, so they just said get over it ( insert Wench's name here ). When she popped off the next time, she was doing it what she THOUGHT was behind my back, but I was just within earshot as I was changing into my next costume, and she was telling a complete lie. I poked my head out from behind the costumes and just smiled and said....Gee, (insert name here), you sure got THAT story very wrong, now, didn't ya? She turned beet red, and started with the uh, um, yeah, err, umms.....SHE as well as the person she was telling the non-truths to, knew she got busted hard! So, it was actually nice to see her fall down off that pedestal, and got herself busted for lying and meanness.....now the other divas are wary. So yaaaaaay me, I sat back, I didn't say anything nasty back to her, I defended myself kindly, and then busted her lies......whiiiiiiiiiistle, SPLAT.....off the pedestal, she goes.....and I kept my integrity, and held my tongue so as not to stoop to her level.
The only bad thing about this, is it is really robbing me of my favorite thing, and that is being onstage......I just don't like being around people who use others to make them feel better about themselves. We shall see what happens......

Fearing the unknown

How do you put fears aside? How can you get past them and move on? I SO wish I knew the answer to this. After a lifetime of criticism and being told I couldn't do things, I live a life of fear. Fear of success, fear of failure, fear of rejection......how am I supposed to lay aside those fears and do the things that God and my heart are telling me to do? I know, I know.....just give it to God and ask for strength. But I don't even believe in myself.....I DO believe in my ideas, which I think is a start. But pushing past the fears and putting stuff into action is another story totally. I have this block, I suppose, that if no one has ever believed in me, how can God possibly believe in me? I know He does, but someone tell me how I can drop this? I could probably already be a millionaire if I only took even half of the ideas I have and put them into place. I am smart, I am discerning (most of the time, anyway ), I am way creative, and I LOVE to learn....isn't that a good start for a recipe of success?! But how can I just let go of the stupid fear. I KNOW that not everyone is going to like me, or admire me, or agree with me, and honestly, I am pretty okay with that, BUT hearing rejecting words or crticism can shut me down instantly and make me run SO far from what I am trying to do, never to return...or possibly return but WAY down the line. Weird because ALL the avenues I am the strongest in revolve around criticism....people liking what you do, or NOT. I plead with the Almighty Savior to give me the strength I need to push me past this feeling of inadequacy and move me into the world of confidence......of no fear.....of success. People who criticise me.....go to.....ummmmm, well....I won't stoop to your level....Bless you, please find a life where your very being doesn't revolve around making others feel bad....because somehow, some way, I WILL get past this, and all I can say is WATCH OUT, MAN!!!!!!! Your over-inflated ego is gonna get popped when I come flying past you, and it will be a joy for me to watch you splatter onto the ground when you fall off your precious pedestal that you have placed yourself on......geez, I'm gonna go now and find some strength to conquer this fear......belle down unda, out!