Head hanging in shame

Okay, so, I haven't been a good blogger as of late.  I have promised myself that I would start up again and be a bit more committed to my writing.  Sadly, life has gotten in the way.  And, by life, I mean ALL of it. Seems like every aspect of life has demanded way more attention than it should have and I, therefore, have let things suffer for it.  I am ashamed at myself for not being more faithful to something I love, which is writing.  I feel as though I have let myself down because I did this as a way to vent a bit when venting needs to be done, post pics of my photography course and share them, do a bit of short story, fictional stuff show  some of my crafting things and just generally, share about me and my life.  I like writing things out when I am thoughtful or sad or creative or angry...or happy.  I like to write it out and see what happens.  Look back on it at a later time, see how I have grown or things have changed.  I suppose since my last post, I have changed a lot.  I have grown in a lot of ways, God has changed me, God has challenged me and I have challenged myself.  I have made a lot of new decisions that have been very hard for me, but were very necessary for me to move on and for me to not go completely insane.  So, here we go...

These are my babies, my life, my everything.  Not sure where I would be without them.  They make me smile and cry and laugh and moan and challenge me in ways I never knew someone could.  On the left, there, is my Charley.  She is almost 5 and our biggest challenge.  She is very strong-willed, but she has got the most amazing heart.  She is generous WAY beyond a child of 4 should be.  She shares unlike ANY kid I have ever seen...and willingly so.  She almost gets her feelings hurt if you don't bite her cookie or take a potato chip or whatever from her.  My hubby and I always tell her to stay generous...never let the world take away your generosity, but don't let people use you.  She is an amazing little artist and has an extremely creative mind.  I promise to post some of her stuff on here as it comes in.  

The handsome on in the middle is my boy, my miracle, my best friend....Tony.  He is 14 and just amazing.  I am so proud of him.  He and I have been through a lot and we have always supported each other and been stronger for it.  He's the only one who understands how blue I get because of missing home.  Because he's an American, like me.  He is a kid that is amazingly polite, loves God, loves to laugh and have fun, loves sports, and yes, he loves his Mama.  He and I can talk about everything and I love this.  I love him.

The lovely girl on the right is my Gracie.  She is 6 years old and just makes me smile.  She has an amazing imagination and loves to play make believe and do all things creative.  She loves watching movies with me and loves to dance.  She wants to do ANYTHING as long as it isn't school work.  She has to be forced to do work.  And, yes, her marks suffer a bit for it, but we are working on that.  She has a big heart and things move her deeply.  She asks a lot of questions about why things are the way they are and listens intently and can actually carry on a decent conversation about it at a later time.  She's my heart.  

They are on holiday now, so I am sure there will be photo ops out the wazoo to post.  So, I have posted and now I am going to chill for a while.  I have a lot to catch up on.  

Smile on

Cyndi

GRRRRRRRRR.......NOT happy

Okay....I missed the ranting last night, but I am here today, baby!  I am still thinking about all this stuff I want to rant about, and once I write it here, I'm gonna try my best to let it go.   Big breath, 1, 2, 3.......GO!  I go to a small church, as I have said before.  I love my church, and 95% of the people that go there......BUT, there's always that one.....you know, the one that is like wet sand in your undies?????  The one that scratches you no matter which way you are sitting, standing, walking, resting.....are you with me?  Good.  Moving on....I have had many an issue with this one particular person SO many times.  I have sat back and (sorry, Mama) "eaten shit politely" from her for 6 years now.  I have left church crying in frustration many times because of how she treats me, my kids and other friends at church.  I have gone over situations in my head over and over again and asked myself "How can I handle this better?"  "How can I change ME so that maybe I won't be at the brunt of her stabbing comments and meanness?"  "How can I love her when all I really want to do is push her off a pier somewhere?"  (Which if you know me at all, you know I would never do something like that!)  Okay, I am rambling here.....there's a family at church.....a very lovely family, in fact.  They are pretty new to our church so I don't know HEAPS about them, but enough to know that I really would like to know more.  They have 4 lovely kids.  Their ages are from 4 down....so they have their hands full.....and I mean not an ounce of negativity by that comment, but they do in deed have their hands full as one of their kids has autism.  I haven't been around autism much so I ask a lot of questions of the mom because I WANT to know more, understand more and be able to speak on the subject a little.  Her boy is an absolute precious kid.  He has these amazing eyes, and THE most gorgeous lips....EVER!  He is very matter of fact and well, just darling.  But he has melt downs and he gets frustrated and is sometimes not understood by others....but he is a CHILD!!!  Who here who has children that have had a melt down?  That has screamed in frustration?  That has been misunderstood?  Can I get an AMEN here?  My kids do this, your kids do this or will do this....melt downs are a big part of this kid and his families daily life.  We as parents with (and I use this term lightly) "normal" kids deal with the tantrums and move on.....we may be pulling our hair out for a few minutes and then it's all over.  But B and P deal with HOURS of this, sometimes all night.  They are tired, like I probably have never known, they are frustrated like I have never known, and they are just plain worn out.  But they handle their lives with laughter and patience and grace.....and here's me bowing down ( I'm not worrrrrrrrhty, I'm not worrrrthy),  So, why all this background on this family of 6????  Because this (and I use this term lightly) "person" at church is very rude to them and to this wonderful child of hers.  See, how it works in our church is the kids from ages 0-4 are in the nursery, creche, crying room, whatever you want to call it.  When they turn 5, they can go into kids church, which is for ages 5-12....then onto youth, then young adults....blah, blah, blah  Anyway, this young fella, being autistic, needs a bit of structure to help stave off the melt downs and anger fits.  Sounds easy, right?  NOPE!  Not at THIS church!  Because this kid is only 4 (and 3 months from turning 5), he is not allowed into the kids church room.  Why, you ask?  Because this homo sapien has decided that he SHOULDN'T be allowed in there because he isn't 5.  I realize that there are rules here, and I have no problem WHATSOEVER following them, but shouldn't we allow a kid with some special needs to be given a little more grace than this?  There is a structure in the kids church and they have activities planned and things to help this boy.  Funny thing is, the leader of kids church don't mind, the pastor doesn't mind, the people running kids church don't mind....it's just this one.  This one who we have all dubbed "the creche NAZI".  She has this HUGE problem with ANYONE doing ANYTHING that SHE thinks we shouldn't be doing.  But my thinking is.....shouldn't we be HELPING here?  Shouldn't we be bending the rules for a special needs child?  Shouldn't we be trying to help these parents who have to deal with these melt downs by allowing this kid to have structure even though it's against the rules?  Not only should we be trying to help this boy, but by helping him we are helping the mom and dad?????  Isn't that what being a charitable Christian is all about?  Helping others?  Overlooking their faults? Loving? Accepting? Being gracious? Forgiving?  I don't claim to be a perfect Christian, never have, never will.....so please forgive me if I am sounding self-righteous here.  Anyhow, this family feels very unwelcome at this church because of this horrid woman and her Naziism and her "No, you can't go in the other room until you are 5" garbage.  The Nazi's son is also 4 and want s to go into kids church, too, but alas he can't because he isn't 5.  And I guess, because HER son can't then NO ONE can.  Is she worried that her kid is being slighted by allowing this other kid into a structured situation?  Or maybe it's HER feeling slighted so then she makes sure that NO allowances are made for anyone because no allowances are made for her.  Okay my BS meter is going off the charts right now!!!  Can I get a drum roll here.....who is this kid hurting by going in a bit early?  I know the whole "Well, if we let ONE kid go in early, then we have to let ALL kids go in early" thing, but can we not just say hey, NAZI, chill out.......can we not make an exception to help a kid AND his parents?  Can we not be a person of grace?  Can we not be a person of love and understanding?  I am torn here, between stepping in and saying something or just keeping my mouth shut and not getting involved.  When is it okay to get involved and say something and when is it best to just shut up?  I have actually asked the other moms if they have a problem with this kid going into the kids church a bit early and they (myself included) don't have even the slightest issue with it.  I have an almost 4 yr old, this other mom has a 4 yr old, and the other has a 3 yr old.....none of us feel like our kid is being slighted or mistreated because our kids aren't allowed in this room.  We understand that Owen has special needs.....we love him, and we love his parents, and quite frankly, anything that can lighten their load a bit I am all for.  This all sounds so petty, doesn't it?  I think so, but it's only the Nazi from hell that makes it this way.....I think that I am going to have to say something at some point, if someone else doesn't first.  Church should be our safe place.....it should be like our home away from home......we should all be accepted and every case should be evaluated individually and sometimes, bending the rules should be allowed in special cases.  I mean, we aren't talking about changing the Bible or the Ten Commandments.....we are talking about a precious child of God who needs that little something extra.  What kind of a person can deny a little boy that?  How can you sleep at night knowing that you could have helped someone by just un-freaking clenching and removing that ever-so-large stick from your posterior and allowing a kid to be "somewhere he shouldn't".  Where is your charitable heart?  Maybe up her posterior with all the OTHER things lodged in there that make her so hateful, I presume.....
I was full on sobbing at church yesterday listening to my friend tell me how every day is a struggle and she battles in her mind whether or not to go to the trouble of even getting ready for church because she feels unwelcome.  She's telling me her story, I am sobbing and she was consoling ME, not me consoling her.  She deals with (sorry again, Mama) assholes like this every day who look down their snooty noses at her because her kid is having a melt down.  Because you look at Owen and see "well, he 'looks' normal" so she must just be a crappy parent.  She is NOT a crappy parent.....she long and wide and far bypasses my parenting skills and she has one more than I do and her kids are all 4 and under.  So, when you see a Mama or a Daddy with a kid that is screaming their butt off and throwing themselves on the floor, be reeeeealllllly careful before you label the parent as crappy or the kid as naughty.  You don't know what their story is....you don't know if the kid is sick, tired, hurt, or maybe just being a bone head....he or she MAY be autistic and because something in their precious heads isn't firing right, they are melting down.  Remember back to when your kids were little, or if you don't have any yet....you just might be in this parents shoes one day and it might be YOU that people are giving the dirty looks to and shaking their head at.  It isn't pleasant to have to hear a kid screaming all through the grocery store....just imagine if that was a 4 or 5 or more times a day event at your place.  Be gracious......be accepting.....smile at the mama or daddy, don't shake your head at them and judge.  Say something encouraging to them, or if you are a praying person, throw up a prayer and ask Jesus to bless that parent.  Treat others as you want to be treated. 

Aren't I the laziest blogger EVER?

Okay, so.....I have 2 blogs and I frequently write on one, but have forgotten about this one. OOPS! I realize I haven't posted in here in over a year! So, I decided to work more on this one and forget about the other for a while. In my last post, I said I would be posting pics of my creations, wellllll, I have created a TON of things, but just have been lazy and haven't posted any pics. I have heaps. I also have heaps of pictures of just general stuff that need to go on here. So, I am committing myself....I am committing to start blogging on here regularly, posting pics of my creations and of my beautiful children. I promise to share my new journeys with you in weight loss, in photography, in creativeness, etc. I realize I have few followers, but that isn't necessarily why I started doing this. I started because I needed a place to vent.....I needed a place that was just ME, a place where it was about me putting my feelings, opinions, musings, thoughts, ramblings, soap-box standings, etc into writing where I could look back and see how I have grown, changed, and improved (or not). I am gonna put myself out there and expose the hell out of myself because I need changes....BAD! I need a venting place....BAD! I need a place where I might offend, but it isn't necessarily intentional, but have the right to do so because it's MY page. I don't mind comments that may differ from my opinions, in fact, I welcome them. Well, as long as you can be respectable about it....I don't mind differing opinions because, dude, I'm all about free speech. I AM American, after all. And, although my country seems to be trying to take rights away from it's people lately, here in MY world of bloggerhood, y'all are ALL free to talk freely. I will begin this whole "journey back to my space" with a picture of me that will have to get put up tomorrow because I am uber sick today and I am NOT letting ANYONE get within 50 feet of me with a camera. I want to have to look at my gruesome self for a while until I am more motivated to finish my weight loss journey. And also, my hair will be blonde again when I take my next pic (thank you, Jesus and Miss Clairol). I am going to take a nap now because my daughter is in the garden with Daddy and I feel icky.

Gonna get my Martha Stewart on!!!! Well, in SOME ways!

Okay, so, I have sat on my tushie for far too long......I have decided that my creativity and crafting can no longer wait for my kids to get older. I must "do my thing". I have sat here in my chair for a long time and have decided that I am going to create patterns and do tutorials for some of them so I can share them with others. I have so many ideas and I have sewn so many things for my kids and for me. I have made a lot of gifts and have decided it's time to hit eBay and the markets and sell my wares. I need something I can do from home and this is gonna be it!!!! So look out blog world....I'll be posting pics and stuff reeeeal soon....
Cheers,
Cyn

Cheers, FRIENDS

I was/am in one of those moods where I am pondering.......pondering about how God is working on me. Ways in which I am not ready ot be worked on. Funny how He does that, eh? When you aren't wanting to be "worked on", He has other plans completely. He is forcing me to face my past...things I would rather keep buried forever. I chose to bury those things because dealing with it is too painful. So painful, in fact, that the mere thought of bringing ALL that crap to the surface and facing it again actually makes me think suicidal thoughts, hence the reason I prefer to leave it buried.....FOREVER! There is not ONE person on this Earth who knows about THAT year.....and I ain't planning on telling anyone about it. I WANTED that left between God and me forever....
So, how does one tell, beg, ask, plead, implore God to let you leave something alone. I don't feel like it builds walls between me and others, I don't mistreat anyone because of this.....I felt like it actually made me stronger, because if a person can go through THAT kind of hell and NOT be dead, then they (me) are pretty dang strong.
I always thought that when I actually shared this with someone, ANYONE, that I would be telling one of my friends in America....who know everything (well, except this) about me and still love me. Amy, Teresa, Beverly....they know it ALL. Two of them actually "knew me when....." I can't have the kind of phone time where I could actually dump this on them and get it off my chest. THIS is why only God knows...why I can talk to Him when it starts to haunt me again, why I can share the most intimate details with Him and not feel like I am being judged. He holds me close when I get scared and tells me it will be okay and I get over it quickly and just bury it back in the "whew, it came, it saw, it went" box and hope it never rears its ugly head again. So, why now? Why THIS? Why not some of the other areas I need to work on.....I just don't trust anyone with information of this calibre. But SHOULD I? Who would it be? When and HOW would I do it? How will they react when I tell them?
Which brings me to my pondering.....Wouldn't it be SO cool if I had friends here in Australia like the ones on FRIENDS or Cheers? You know...."where everybody knows your naaame, and they're always glad you caaaame" and "I'll be there for youuuuuu, when the rain starts to fallllll"...those kinds of friends. Those guys fought, judged, and had issues, but they accepted each other, loved each other and were loyal at all costs. They admitted fault and still loved each other. They listened, they advised, they led and let lead. It would be so amazingly cool to have a circle like that.....sigh. Ah, whatever....I just hope God picks someone who is planning on moving away from this area if I have to share...LOL I don't want the repercussions of that judgement....because I KNOW I will get judgement in some shape form or fashion....is there really ANYONE out there who wouldn't judge me, I wonder. This issue wasn't even my fault in the least, but I just don't want to bring it up, I just want to let the past be the past and forget about it. Okay, gonna go watch Friends now....LOL

Things that are bad for me

Don't you just HATE it when you LOVE something, I mean REEEEALLY love something, and then someone comes along and tells you that it's bad for you? I hate it, and I hate it BAD. I want to live in a world where things that are bad, are actually good for you! I WANT chocolate to be good for me....so good in fact, that I could eat it every day and never gain weight....dark chocolate, milk chocolate, white chocolate, purple chocolate...whatever......I NEED to hear that chocolate is good for me. I know that studies are now coming out about the benefits of dark chocolate, and, believe me, I use that to my benefit, but I am tired of people coming along and ruining it as I am enjoying it by saying "You shouldn't be eating that!". I KNOW I shouldn't be eating it....usually I am beating myself up as I am eating it, but leave me and my food choices alone!! DO you realize how LONG it has been since I have enjoyed some good chocolate?????? No, you don't, you don't have any idea....so why wreck my moment?! Why wreck anyone's moment? Did I ask you to hold me accountable for my eating choices? Nope!!!! So, when someone, no matter WHAT their weight is, is enjoying something that YOU think they shouldn't...JUST LEAVE THEM ALONE TO ENJOY THEIR SNACK GUILT-FREE!!!!!
I want bacon to be good for me, rasher bacon, streaky bacon, bacon bits, bacon pieces.......CAKE....chocolate cake, vanilla cake, cup cake, sponge cake, pound cake, coconut cake.....CHIPS.....potato chips, corn chips, hot chips, wedges, bring on the chips.....I LOVE healthy food......I LOVE raw veggies and cooked veggies and sauteed veggies, veggie juice, etc. I also LOVE fruit....in any shape form or fashion....but it's JUST not the same now is it?! I enjoy healthy meals, but sometimes, I just wanna eat total crap.......stuff that isn't good for me. Is that okay with you, Miss or Mister Diet Police? And others want to do that, too.....so leave 'em alone and let em enjoy....and while you're at it, remove whatever has you all "clogged up" and enjoy some of it, too. Step down....soap box ranting finished.....I'm off to the grocery store...

2011.....the year of servanthood

I decided a few weeks ago that I was going to stop griping and bitching about not having any friends in Australia and just start serving my church. I joined the worship team a few months back and wanted to do even more. So a couple of weeks ago I decided that I didn't just WANT to serve, I NEEDED to serve......A MILLION ideas popped into my head that I thought were doable. I LOVE my little church!!!! I wanted to do more....be a part of making it go from wonderful to....SPECTACULAR!!! It needs color, it needs creative people who are willing to do things and I am creative AND willing. I think that doing things at my church will be beneficial to me for a lot of reasons....it will get me out of the house, it will help me do the creative things that I love so much and maybe I will just bless someone along the way, which is really what my main goal is. I LOVE to be a blessing to others.....I don't see myself as much of a "blesser" right now, but you never know. I just want to make others smile....I love people that smile easily. I take it as a personal challenge when I find someone that won't smile easily and do everything I can to make them smile. What a feeling it is when you can light up someone's face!!!!!!!! I am making it a point to get to know people this year. Maybe my friend problem is because I am waiting for everyone to come to me, rather than seeking them out and getting to know them.....oh heavens, I am like my baby sister in that way....yikes!!!!! Don't wanna be like her!!!!! She's a nice person, but she never makes an effort with ANYONE, they always have to come to her.....lI find that a bit snooty and I am seeing that I have been like that a little bit. nonononononononono!!!!!! I have a few things I would like to do this year.....I want to start a women's Bible study and do some Beth Moore curriculums. Beth Moore's A Heart Like His was the Bible study that made me commit to the Lord. She is powerful and challenging and blesses you SO abundantly. I want to share that with others!!!!!! I want to do another musical, but I want it to be for adults this time too. I want to help decorate our church and make it bright and cheery!!!!! I want to help start a ladies ensemble group. I want to take more pics and use them to help decorate the church. God has placed all this on my heart and I have to get off my butt and put some of it into action. Of course, I have to run all this by my pastor and his wife.....but it was really funny that this morning he preached on using your gifts and not hiding them. So, I need to set up a time with him to see what his ideas on all this are. I just feel like God is telling me it's my time......my time to start serving with no excuses. I don't want to be a part of the problem, I want to be part of the solution. So, now that God has laid this on my heart, I will be praying for strength to actually do it. I will have to cut my Facebook time to about 2 hrs a day as opposed to 5 or 6...even more on some days.....which will be really hard for me....really, really hard. I have decided to cut down to three apps instead of 6. Choosing which ones I will play will be hard as I love them all.....but it needs to be done. So, I have put in writing where my heart is at, and I am doing this publicly, well, sort of, so people can hold me accountable when I go astray. I will post it on FB in a few days when I decide which apps I am sticking with and I will delete the others. I am going to put myself on a 9 to 5 schedule and get things done in my house and stop making excuses. I will get my kids onto a more doable schedule and stick to it. I am tired of watching life go past me.....I wanna go out and be a part of it!!!!!! So no more sitting around for me.....I'm DOING this year, not just BEING. Big step.....biiiiiiig step. Time for the big girl undies!!!!! Bring it on!